IVF no 2!

We’ve started!

We decided to just go head on and today I’m already on D3 of stimulation.

My dear dr decided to give me 100 iu of Pergoveris (morning jab) and 300 iu of Gonal F (night jab) and I hope this will yield better quality eggs etc.

We’ve also decided with FET instead of an embryo transfer in this cycle. I read up on FET and it seems it’s better for people with endo.

Furthermore, we succeeded with FET the last time.

My husband is the injector and so far he’s been experimenting (eh ehhhh.. u think I lab rat is it?) and so far the injection that hurts the least would be when the needle is 90 degrees from the tummy.

At first I was quite nervous but now it’s ok I guess.

Anything for another baby! Anyway, injecting is less painful that taking blood. Taking blood sucks for me because they keep having to poke me.

Saeed..  I’m doing this for you too. I see that longing look you have when you see other kids at the playground. InshaAllah, I’ll try all I can to give you a sibling.

 

But honestly, I’ve been pretty slack. HEPPPP HEPPPPPP! I take the odd caffeine and cold water and I really ought to eat healthier.

Kraftwich for lunch everyday doesn’t equate to healthy eating. I mean Kraftwich for lunch and then fluff for tea = unhealthy also righttttttttttttttt. Haz, hazzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe I need Saeed to echo my ‘NOOOOOO… DON’TTT..’ everytime I go near anything with sugar. Saeed.. please learn fast. Mummy needs your help. BAHAHA

I mean Saeed is already my fitness instructor.. so he could be my nutritionist too. Actually.. he’s helping me a bit also… everytime I take something to eat, he’ll pop his head and go..”Mammamm.. mammmam?”

Perangai pengecek macam bapak dia. BAHAHAHA. Tapi yes, me still love uols.

So yes, I’ll end up giving him half of what I eat. I know some people will say they only let their children eat this and that. For me – anything goes.. in moderation.

Saeed can eat briyani with ayam masak merah and dhalcha. AHUH. I think he’s got malay + indian tongue. VERY GOOD!

I even make thosai and chicken keema for him on weekends!

Where am I.. oh yah… now that I have the father + son tagteam, hopefully it’ll help me. Lai lai laiiiii.. finish my food for me. :-p

 

People have been asking me when I intend to send Saeed to school but honestly…  I have no answer for this.

I’m not sure if I want him to attend pre-nursery etc.

Afterall, I attended half of K1 onwards and his father only attended K2 and we aren’t doing too bad!

I think he should enjoy his first few years before drowning in books etc.

At the moment, he LOVES football. I know people may think that I’m saying this because I’m his mummy but… really, I think Saeed is born to play football.

He learnt how to kick a ball before he learns how to walk. He can dribble. He even celebrates with cute moves after scoring goals.

Mummy wants him to be a Paediatrician or Embryologist but oh well, you be whatever you want to be as long as it’s halal.

 

I’m still working at the moment but hope to quit in a couple of years so I can look after him myself.

I know it’ll mean my degree will be wasted and I probably will not be able to return to where I am.. but I think I need to feel at peace with myself.

I really envy those with a solid support network.

Ok let’s see how this IVF cycle goes.. bismillah..

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A little rant..

Time sure flies.

Saeed is 1yr 2mths.

We had a small birthday party for him where all of us dress up as Star Wars characters. Saeed was Obi Wan.

We even had a cake smash afterwhich mummy panicked because she requested for a rainbow cake and she just realized how much colouring he’s ingesting and there’s stain on his face.

We didn’t want a big bash because he can’t remember anyway.

Instead, we went to Phuket. We booked a 4 bedroom villa with private pool and invited our family for an all expenses paid vacation.

It was wonderful. Saeed enjoyed himself at the pool and the villa.

 

Although it’s been 1yr 2mths, I’m still learning as a mother. I guess you just never stop learning. Motherhood is a journey. With a child that’s learning new things, you also learn new things – about him, about yourself and about parenting.

I had imagined I would be a stepford mummy but I’m far from it.

I have eyebags that would cause China to use me to improve diplomatic ties with other countries.

I wear torn clothes.

I have late dinners.

I scream when the little boy runs.

I shout when he pull things like drawers.

I go hysterical when he hurts himself.

I get exasperated when he refuses to sleep.

It’s like you go through all human emotions. It’s raw.

Daily I beat myself up mentally and emotionally for not being a better mother.

But I guess, that’s what ALL mothers feel.

But when you see the little one smile, even if it’s 6am in the morning and you are really sleepy and he really should be sleeping, you can’t help but smile.

The kind of smile that starts from your heart and makes you feel just so happy even if you are really sleepy and fighting off a headache.

I never knew I’d have this smile.

I never knew I’d have a little one who would cling to me and get angry with me when I go work or come home late from work.

The husband and me attempted to go on short dates (read : 30mins dinner without Saeed) but really, all we talk about is him. All we want to do is go home and embrace him.

It’s almost impossible to even have movie nights at home because the little one would get sleepy etc and he co-sleeps so he will not go to bed if we’re not beside him.

Normally once he gets sleepy, I’ll be sleepy too. It can be 9.30pm or 10pm or 11+pm.

We used to play/sing lullabies for him but sometimes, we end up falling asleep first. BAHAHA. The little boy would still be wriggling in our arms. Sometimes I find myself singing rubbish. BAHAHA.

 

Anyway, being a mother means you have to give yourself up. Yup.. sometimes I look at myself and I don’t know me anymore.

Whatever happened to the old me?

Motherhood happened I guess.

You are no longer on your own.

You belong to someone.

Someone is depending on you.

Someone is watching you.

I don’t mean it’s a bad thing. Maybe it’s really time to start being an adult. Teehee.

Ok fine. Fine. I just want to curl up in bed and cry now ok. I think it’s my hormones.

I just want to tear my hair up.

I want to scream at the top of my voice.

I want to laugh and laugh and laugh.

I want to shop and shop.

Ok.. I think I’m going a bit crazy here.

Thank you Norethistherone. Thank you.

 

Actually.. we’re (let me cry a bit here cos it didn’t feel like we cos my husband is totally nonchalant and uninterested) going for another IVF. I’ve started with NorE.

We’re doing the short protocol with perhaps Gonal-F (previously it was a long protocol with Puregon) and hopefully we’ll yield more good quality eggs and embryos.

I’m all psyched.

I want to do this. Even if it means I’ll be my own cheerleader.

This time, we’re with NUH though.

Ok you know what.. I don’t feel like writing now.. must be the hormones…

Saeed is almost 10 months..

It’s been ages.

I’ve been meaning to blog but have been trapped in the vicious cycle of work + making up lost time with baby + sleeping as much as I can. I never should have laughed when my boss gave me an advice when I was pregnant – Sleep as much as you can. He ended it with a laugh and I thought it was a joke. Now I share this same advice to people! Bahaha.

So when I was pregnant, I had this image of me being a near-perfect mummy. I’m sorry to disappoint people who have never been mummies – but there’s no perfect mummies EVER. You make do with what you have and to the best of your ability. There are many things that I thought I wouldn’t do but I did. There are many things I thought I would do but I didn’t. Moral of the story? Don’t compare yourself to any other mummies. PLUS – don’t read/listen to crap. People have opinions and let them have theirs. Meanwhile, you do whatever YOU think is best for YOUR child. Ahuh ahuh.. You and Your child. That’s all that matters. Don’t sink into depression because of what people say. This is coming from a mummy who had to battle Postnatal depression.

Recently there was this post from a mummy who was talking about how she almost starved her baby. It’s amazing how days after that, FB was filled with many posts from pro-breast feeding and defensive formula-feeding mummies. Seriously! I think it was sad. We are all women. We all have gone through ups and downs so just let it be! I had stopped breastfeeding because I had to choose between being a mummy or going deeper into depression. I beat myself up for months because I was filled with guilt. It was self-destructive. So really, don’t ever go there. Do what is best for YOU and YOUR CHILD.

So how has mummyhood been?
Plenty of happy moments. Lack of sleep. Guilt. Giggles. A myriad of emotions every single day.
But I wouldn’t trade it for any other thing.

Saeed is going to be 10 months soon and he is a very active boy. :-p

He has started on solids, had his first 2 teeth, start to toddle without support and is still putting everything in his mouth. I’m trying to be the disciplinarian because the Papa cannot scold his son *faints* and every time I said No and make a fierce face, Saeed will have a look on his face. His eyes will scan my face (and they are practically screaming – Do you still love me mummy?) and I will almost falter each time and sometimes I’m crying in pain inside but I will have to continue making my stern face. But I always end with Mummy have to scold you but Mummy loves you. Sometimes I almost make threats but I promised to myself that threats are a big no no (let’s see how long this will last though).

Feeding Saeed solids have been exciting. It’s so nice to see him eat but now as he grows bigger, he’s getting fussier. The parents have been asking me to start him on porridge so I spent a couple of hours one Saturday making salmon porridge for him but all I got in return were amusing (but frustrating at the same time) gagging motions from Saeed. He abhors it. Yes ABHORS. I don’t know why. It’s mind boggling because it doesn’t have a funny taste or anything. In the end I gave up and ate the porridge with kicap cili padi. TSK. The next Monday the helper tried doing the same thing and got the exact same reaction. FAINTS FAINTS FAINTS. But if I give him ice cream (don’t judge me.. I used to say no to this for my baby too but the look of pure ecstasy on his face just makes me melt faster than a stick of solero under the hot sun but yes.. of course IN MODERATION is the key word here) he will eat without gagging. TSK TSK.

I missed his first steps which were witnessed by my mum and helper but they managed to record a bit of it for me. Now he can toddle around but there’s always an accompanied background sound – of mummy screaming while half closing the eyes. Yup.. I’m the screamer I promised never to be! But honestly, I am already restraining myself from many many more screams. I’m trying to bring him out as often as we can. The other day, we brought him to Jacob Ballas and the makcik in me almost didn’t let him play at the fountain. The thought of germs, catching a cold from the cold water+ wind and insects almost stopped him from having fun. But I allowed him to just do what he wanted and the look of glee on his face told me I  made the right decision. Yup, I let him play.. in his diapers.. when there are other kids around. Come germophobic mums, let’s gasp together.

So yes, I really had to learn to loosen myself up. I even let him sit on a *gasp* baby chair at Tony Romas the other day. Yes, after using only about 4 wet wipes to clean it. Pat myself on the back. I’m a scaredy cat – I’m scared of insects and even harmless cats, pigeons etc.. but I’ve learnt to control my fear when Saeed is around as I want him to be pretty much fearless. I don’t allow the helpers to use threats at all. It’s not easy because you really have to watch what you say but I guess this is what parenting is all about. I think it will only get worst – imagine potty-training and when he needs to go to *gasp* go to public toilets. *faints* So yes, I’m going with the flow and trying to have less rules etc. I want my son to be a fearless, rugged boy so I have to let it go and let him go.

Can you believe Saeed is going to be 1 yr old in a couple of months? That’s too fast right. Sigh. Where did all that time go? I’m really trying desperately to spend as much time as a guilty working mummy can spend with the baby. It’s really an internal struggle to go to work and leave him in the care of others. I feel so guilty but at the same time I know I want to give him a better life too. There’s another battlefield here – the SAHM vs Working mum. It will never end.. but really ladies, we’re all sacrificing something for our little ones so let’s not judge each other.

Anyway, for his first birthday, we’ve decided to just make a small party and then go on a short vacation with our family and him. He won’t remember a birthday party and will prolly have more fun at the (very almost) seafront villa we’ve booked! (Mummy and Papa will have more fun too.. BAHAHA) I’m quite scared about taking the plane with him though. It’s gonna be less than a 2 hour flight but my little boy is super active so it’s not going to be easy. *sweats* But oh well, if you happen to be on the same flight, try not to kill me ok.  But ooh, if you have some tips on how to survive a flight with a very active baby, please share with this desperate mummy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saeed is 5 mths old tomorrow!

After 16 weeks of maternity leave and 1 week of annual leave, I finally got back to work.
2 nights before that, I couldn’t sleep but spent the night crying because I know things will change. I was worried Saeed will find it hard to adapt etc.
But it turned out that my worries were unfounded.
Saeed was fine. Apparently he was a cheerful baby, always laughing and smiling at his grandparents.
Phew.
Oh wait… not yet… it’s not all rosy… He is cheerful and nice to them… BUTTTT.. not to MEEEEEEEEEEE.
Ahuh ahuh.. Yes.. the anger was directed at me.
Heart pain can!
I know Saeed knows how to get angry – there was once when his Papa came back from work, glanced at him and said hi and then worked on the laptop. He was angry with his Papa so refused to look at him for a couple of minutes when he carried him.
And yes.. he did the same thing to me.. every day!
I was on half day for a few days and he did that too.
I’ll look at him and he’ll look away. If he turns to the right and I put my face in front of him, he’ll turn to the left and when I moved mine to the left, he’ll move his to the right. Yes, it’s like catching. He refuses to look at me. I will carry him and he will still do the same thing. After several minutes, he’ll look at me and smile.
He’s angry. I do tell him daily that mummy is going to work etc and I will kiss him and he will smile but he’s still angry when he sees me.
Last Friday was the worst! He refused to look at me for more than half an hour. I almost cried at my in-laws place. When I carried him, he beat my face. 😦 It’s so heartbreaking.
I honestly don’t know what to do about that.
On some days, after I got ready for work, we’ll wake up. He prolly thought we’re going out together. In the car, he’ll look at me as if I’m the prettiest person on earth and kept smiling at me while touching my face. I kept telling him Mummy is going to work. Mummy and Papa loves you. But yes, when we fetched him, he was still angry. Some days, he’s angry with his Papa too. Maybe he thought we go jalan jalan without him.
At first my parents thought I was exaggerating. Afterall, Saeed is only 4 months. But they saw it with their own eyes and finally believed me!
Sometimes he got angry with me when we’re walking to the carpark! Yessssssssss.. before we even drop him off! How like that?
*sigh*
But oh well.. I gotta do what I gotta do. Luckily I have a lot of AL left this year so I take one week off each month to spend time with him. Hopefully he will understand and appreciate that.

Can I say that time flies?
He’s going to be 5 months tomorrow!
5 months!
He knows how to say mehmeh (which means mummy) and sometimes he’ll say mama (I’m quite sure he’s not ordering prata or teh tarik so maybe he’s referring to me too).
He rolled on his tummy though not many times so far. We are trying to make it more feasible for him by putting a Parklon mat and letting him play on it.
If you hold his hand, he can pull himself to sit and stand.
Plus he can stand/sit on his walker!
My boy is a big boy nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Noooooooooooooooooooo.. Nooooooooooooooo.. that’s fast right?
Saeed is rather impatient and determined so I won’t be shock if he starts walking before he hits 11months.
We really have to start babyproofing the entire house! I can see that he’s observing everything and trying to grab a lot of things.
*faints*
I can imagine him ransacking everything!
On my side, I’m embracing motherhood (yes I’m looking more human and my age these days!) as it is. It’s not easy to be a full-time working mum + terrible complications that Allah knows I had to go through. But I’m determined to not let anything stop me from enjoying motherhood and bringing my son up with as much love as possible.
I’ve really fallen in love with babywearing. First we got a boba that took time for Saeed to love and now we have a lennylamb (which is so pretty that I couldn’t sleep one of the nights last week cos I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it!) which is so soft!
Instead of staying at home, I decided to babywear him and go out whenever I’m on leave. So far, our adventures have taken us to the SEA Aquarium and Orchard (a couple of times). I hope to have more of such opportunities. It’s lovely walking with him so close to me. ❤


We’ve decided that we want another baby at least so I’m going to start ‘shopping’ for an IVF dr at a public hospital. I wish I can go to Dr Sheila Loh again but the $ is a bit too much! :p
I’m not sure how we’ll cope with another baby but I’m sure Allah will help us. I want Saeed to have a sibling! We’re taking another helper so one can do housework while one look after Saeed.

The wanderlust in me is so trying to escape now. I miss our holidays and almost followed the husband to Dubai on SUnday but decided that I should let Saeed be a bit bigger before bringing him overseas. I’m more concerned about being cooped up in the plane with people coughing/sneezing etc than anything else. I’m planning for a trip next year though. We’re going to celebrate Saeed’s birthday overseas inshaAllah. Still trying to find suitable destination although I’m so wishing we can go Morocco again. But yes, it’s too far! Oh well.. we have plenty of time to think before he hits 365 days!

I so want to blog more but I’m mad busy but I hope to be able to blog more regularly soon. 🙂

 

My son actually loves my voice..

Oh yes.. what a title!

Anyway, life as a mummy is like this….

Your baby is quietly sleeping in the cot.
You look at him and smile and continue to watch the movie you are watching.
Then you have a nice slow shower followed by a nice slow dinner.
After that you watch a movie or read a book.
Oh what bliss.
You look into the mirror and smile at your reflection – thick hair thanks to the pregnancy, flawless skin, hair neatly in place and you looking like a stepford mummy.
Then your baby wakes up and you lift him up and he gurgle happily and play with you happily before he sleeps again.
Oh this is what maternity leave feels like…

PAUSE.

This isn’t a movie. Even movies are not this unrealistic anymore. If Hollywood were to make a movie about life after a baby then it’d be under the horror/thriller/romance genre. 

I had expected that actually.
If I’m lucky I get at least one of that.
But most times, that doesn’t happen. Unless you have a doll instead of a child. But if your doll can gurgle.. then please ask if it’s name is Chucky or Anabelle and no I didn’t say hi. 
My little precious sleeps about 30mins max during the day.
And if I do get to watch a movie, if I pause it, I may 1)not get to continue to watch it 2) forget I was watching a movie 3) don’t bother to continue watching it. AND I am so not exaggerating. I’m too tired to watch movies and my memory is like Dory so I sometimes forget what I’m doing.
And the reflection? My hair loss is scary. My skin is back to being invasion-worthy. My hair, no matter how much I comb it, always look like I have no mirror and comb.
ANDDD.. I always have vomit or food crumbs/spilt things on me. The food crumbs/spilt stuff are not from my little precious but it’s because sometimes I have to gobble things up because he wants me. Sometimes there’s batter too cos I tried to cook more now.
When I carry Saeed, he always wriggle because he thinks he can walk by himself.
A nice slow shower? Even when the husband is home, whenever I turn the tap on, I can hear Saeed’s scream. And most times, it’s just my imagination. *faints*
So yes, it’s not all bliss.
But you know what? I wouldn’t want my old life back. At all.
It’s so wonderful.
Motherhood is tiring and draining but awesome.
I love being a mother.
I love my son.
I love Saeed’s antics.
It comes with a heavy price but it’s WORTH IT.

Last time, I used to say to the husband that most married couples look their age or older and the other day we were talking about this and both of us laughed when we realized it’s because parents lack sleep! :-p The eyebags… don’t think any thing in Sephora can help with that. Beauty routine? Errrr.. wait does that mean washing the face? Cos sometimes, at night, I’m even too tired to wash my face… and no need to say about slapping on my creams. Sometimes, I even have shampoo in my hair. Ahuh. I think if you put me in a tub right now.. ok.. please don’t… I don’t want to know what colour the water will turn into. I’m the sort of person who will scare the postman if I open the door. :-p

Basically, my life has turned upside down.. but you know what? I love it when my life is like this! There’s nothing that can beat the happiness I feel when Saeed smiles or laughs. When he cries in pain? It feels worst than having contractions.
Saeed has grown SO FAST. SO SO SO FAST. Tooo fast.
He has turned sideways and his feet can almost reach his mouth. They say when a baby suck the toes, it means he’s getting a sibling so I told Saeed to suck the toes of both his feet. :-p
He knows how to get our attention nowadays and he’s very cheerful. ❤ Every morning, he greeted me with his heart-melting smile that totally makes my day.
He knows when we’re going out. I think it’s easy cos he’ll see me put my shawl on.. so yes, that means we’re going out.
He’s still saying ‘drink’ when he wants to drink. The other day, we let him swim at my parent’s place in JB. We bought an inflatable pool from the last baby fair. We put the neck float on and this little boy loves to swim lah! He didn’t even allow his Papa to hold and help him. BAHAHA. That night, he kept saying ‘drink drink’ and we tried giving him milk and pacifier but he refused and kept saying ‘drink’. The next day, I showed him videos of him swimming and he smiled and said ‘drink’. AHHHH.. yes.. he associated swimming with drinking. :-p When we bathed him, he said ‘drink’ and tried to swim in the small tub. Bahaha. So cute lah you Saeed. ❤

I have started babywearing Saeed and I love love love it. We bought the Boba 4G and he seems to be very comfy in it as he sleeps most of the time when I’m babywearing him. Gooddddd but cos I’m quite vertically challenged, I can’t babywear and sit at the same time. Grrr. So when we go and eat, I have a bit of a problem. Actually at first he didn’t like it and then we discovered we weren’t doing it right. Yes, such noobs lah we all.

Anyway, Saeed turned 4 months and I’m proud to say that I know him much better now. Yes, I can sort of guess what he wants and if I don’t know then I’ll repeat the steps. Sometimes it’s just him wanting to sleep. Yes… so much drama for sleep. Hellll, I’d do a lot of things to have that sleep, young man. I’m getting the hang of things and no, I’m certainly not a perfect mummy. There are days when I put his pampers like how he would if he had put it on himself.  There are days when I put his used clothes in the dustbin instead of the laundry basket. There are days when I want to use the pacifier cover to cover the milk bottle (it’s amazing what lack of sleep can do to one’s brain). There are good days and bad days. There are nooby days and days when I say ‘OMG I’m such an awesome mummy’ to myself. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of patience and humour. Sometimes you just have to laugh things off.  But for the millionth time… it’s worth it worth it worth it. Especially when he smiles at me. I think there’s a special smile only for me. A special laugh only for me. He loves it when I sing him lullabies and some parts will make him giggle. ❤ Mummy may have the world’s worst singing voice and may be severely tonedeaf that most people find it painful to hear me sing… but Saeed… he loves it. So yes, that’s one reward there – someone who appreciates me singing. There was once when the husband told me to stop singing cos it’s 3am in the morning. I was quite sure he wouldn’t ask me to stop if I sounded like.. erm noooo.. not Rihanna. I sound better than Rihanna, thank you. Hrmph.. ok like Adele. Yeah, if my voice is like Adele’s he’d prolly just keep quiet. TSK. But oh well, as long as Saeed loves it (for now that is.. once he learns that there are better voices then I’m doomed). I didn’t want to sing to him at first but ended up singing songs that my father used to sing to us when we were babies. So far only me and my father sang the songs to Saeed and he gets like confused when my father does it. BAHAHA.

By the way, 4months have passed and so I have started work. I think that deserves a different post. This post is too long already. Here’s some pics of him.

Saeed the Preciousmon..

So Saeed is 2.5mths! Whee. That’s fast right? We’re pretty much settling into a routine where he sleeps less during the day and more at night. PHEW. I mentioned the swing in my previous entry right? It’s really God-sent! We put him on it when he has difficulty sleeping and he will nap. He seems to love it because of the mobile, music and the lights. Yes, the music includes white noise. WHITE NOISE = sleepy baby at times. (supposed to work on most baby but doesn’t really work on Saeed.)  But yes, it doesn’t work all the time.. the white noise, that is.

Saeed is getting taller so he has outgrown the rocker. We cannot put him unsupervised on the changing station also. He’s getting more active and can lift his bum. That means that we can put him at once place and he can turn 90 degrees and face another direction. *faints* He’s getting smarter and more aware of the surroundings so it’s so wonderful to play with him. He greets me with crinkly eyes and a wide smile or laugh in the morning. Melts melts melts.

His greatest achievement though.. is his first word (yes this deserves a paragraph of its own). About a week ago, I kept hearing the word grink from him. I observed him and he really means DRINK. He says it whenever he wants to drink or wants his soother. He will start by saying grink first. If we don’t response, then he’ll start crying. At first I was bothered that he used the same word for both drink and soother and then I wanted to slap myself. I mean, he’s only 2.5 mths. Cannot have such high expectations! Grrr to myself. But yes, that proves that babies understand. Talk to them and they will learn. I love reading or telling stories to Saeed. I talk to him like I would to any kid and he seems to understand. Now when I tell him to close his eyes and sleep, he will sometimes close his eyes. When he doesn’t, it’s because he doesn’t want to sleep. Prolly it’s cos everytime he has a hiccup, I’ll say ‘Sleep it off. Close your eyes and sleep it off’. Mummy’s little darling.. you really are so precious lah. (Apologies for the beaming mummy moments. I can’t help it. I hope one day Saeed will read this.)

So the whole world is talking about Pokemon Go. Some hate it and and some love it. Me? 183 Pokemons later (WHATTTTT!??! :-p) I’m saying.. Pokemon don’t go. Cos.. erm I want to catch you. I downloaded it on the first day and started playing when I discovered I have 2 Pokestops in my house. If I walk to the living room, there’s 1 and if I walk to my bedroom, there’s another. If that isn’t a reason to play, then I don’t know what is. Last Sunday, we even walked to Eunos CC, my husband pushing the stroller and me, the mummy, catching Pokemon. :-p It must have been a sight! We saw some ppl of my age (8 to 12 years old) playing too. I don’t play all the time and neglect my responsibilities. I don’t walk around like a zombie. Somehow, I feel that this is a good time to train the kids. Teach them how to have self-control/restraint. They can play but they cannot do it all the time. They have to be responsible. When we were growing up, we were obsessed with Nintendo and Playstation but my father said that we can only playing during school holidays. Even then, you can only play a couple of hours everyday. So you have to fight your desire to play. Anyway, I saw people sitting together and talking while playing Pokemon. I saw couples walking together. It’s fun. It’s healthy. As long as you don’t go overboard, it’s fine. I’m loving it although slowly it’s getting a bit boring…. Pidgeys and Rattata keep appearing. Bahaha. That day though, something embarrassing happened. I was at Carousel for High Tea with my in-laws and their staff. Then one of the staff brought his son and his son… caught me playing Pokemon. OMG. Embarrassing can. He even caught me catching a Pokemon. *PAISEH MAX* There was a few rare ones there.. so I couldn’t help it. *cheeky face* But yes,  I will be cautious from now on and make sure I don’t get caught playing by children. FYI, my two brothers are playing too.. so erm, it’s not a game that’s for children. It’s a game for… people who don’t grow up GAMERS.

Baby Necessities

I thought I’d write an entry of baby necessities. This is for my reference in case I have no 2 (I so want at least another one :-p bahaha) and I’ve forgotten everything. Most of these are recommendations from my sister or from forums. I’m anal about things so I will read and read and read.

Furnishing 

Cot –  But I got mine from Baby Hyperstore. Love how they have many cots with wheels. Bought the mattress there too.

Rocker – Hand me down from my sister. We use a Combi one which is wonderful when trying to make baby to sleep. I let Saeed sleep there during the day.

Bouncer – Another hand me down. A Fisher Price one which Saeed so loves. We use this when we want to read to him.

Swing – Ingenuity Enlighten Cradling Swing – This is awesome! Saeed loves it and we love it because he loves it. :-p Do note that this is for short naps. We normally transfer him to the rocker or cot once he fall asleep. (Fyi, normally babies need about 20mins to go into deep sleep.) Also, the chin should not be touching the chest. I love that there’s music, light and a mobile. Plus, you can plug in your mobile phone too. There’s swing and vibration.

Changing Station – Got mine from Qoo10. . Lucky Baby Besto. I love love love it. It’s so back-breaking to change and bathe Saeed from the bed or cot because of the height. The changing station is the perfect height for doing that plus I can massage him while he’s there too. However, take note that you can use this only for several months.

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Plastic basins – For wiping in the evening and for when he poo poo.

Laundry & Washing

Clothes hanging rack – Love this one I bought from Qoo10. Drying rack

Detergent – NUK

Softener -Downy – Love the scent

Bottle washing liquid – Pureen – Please don’t buy Pigeon. It’s terrible!

Toiletries 

Body Wash – California Baby Calming body wash and shampoo

Shampoo – For cradle cap – Mustela Foam Shampoo

Diaper Cream – California Baby Diaper rash cream – As per my sister’s advice, we put this after every diaper change

Powder – California Baby Calming powder

Body cream for rashes – California Baby Calendula Cream (the salesperson told my sis to put the powder first before putting the cream

Oil – Coconut Oil – Redmart has loads! – Good for cleaning behind the ears etc also.

For Face Rash – Mustela Facial Cream

Rubs – Got mine from Kidz Paradise from FB. 1) ‘Love my skin’ is good for cradle cap. 2) ‘Vapour rub’ is good to expel phlegm – I use this by following Kidz Paradise massage video + Nina Chua’s tapping video. Saeed would vomit out the phlegm after that.

Diapers – Mamy Poko so far seems to be the best – I’ve tried huggies and Drypers but prefer Mamy Poko

Baby Wipes – Pigeon

Minyak Telon – Good for wind. I’ll rub on his tummy, calf and sole of the feet every morning after bath and evening after his wipe

Sireh/Betel leaves – HUHHHH? To eat? No, what we do (at the advice of my lovely massage kakak) is to iron the sireh and then dab it on the tummy area. Helps with ‘wind’. So far he has less ‘wind’ after we start doing it.

Nail clippers

Baby cotton buds – for cleaning behind the ears and the earlobes. Do not insert it into the ears ok.

Comb

Tissue paper – Trust me when I say you need loads of tissue. I buy in bulk from Redmart. Kleenex 3 ply seems to be the best.

Medicine Cupboard

Colic – Ridwind – Good for colic but do ask your Pd’s advice. We got ours from the PD but the pharmacies sell it too.

Thermometer – Braun

Fever – Kodomo fever patch – Saeed was starting to have fever after his 2nd mth vaccination and we quickly use this and the fever disappeared.

Clothes and Bedding

Home clothes – 1) Get from the wholesaler at Blk 269 Queen Street #01-246 (S) 183269, Tel Tel: 6338 3260. 6 pieces for $12. I buy this for day time use. Newborns need to change a lot because they tend to regurgitate quite a bit. 2) Tollyjoy 3) Carters have kimonos which are really easy for inexperienced parents like me & hubby

Going out clothes – Old Navy & Carters. Love the designs. But do note that Carter tends to be small so the newborn clothes are very small. I advise to just buy for 3mths onwards.

Pyjamas – Simply Life – They have the bestest and softest bamboo clothing

Cribsheet – Simply Life – VERY soft

Pillow – We don’t use pillow but use a small size towel that’s folded

Blanket – Love the Skiphop ones. Mothercare also has good ones. Unfortunately, once they can move a lot and turn, you will need to skip the blanket. I just purchased a Grobag and will give my review on this. I hope it’s good.

Swaddle – Honestly the best one was the one we got from TMC. Lol. All the expensive ones are so so only for swaddling. We get swaddles from Luvable friends & Aden + Anais (Pls get the bamboo one and NOT the cotton ones. The cotton ones are like sandpaper!) and use them as cloth to put on the rocker, stroller, sofa etc.

Towels – We got ours from Ikea & Esprit. Absorbent and soft. Get big towels and small ones. The small ones can be used to wipe after the evening wipe.

Washcloth – We got ours from many places and they are all fine. Do note that there’s no such thing as TOO many washcloth. :-p I thought we have a lot but we use it for many things so it really really is fine to have a lot.

Binder – I got them from my sister and from Q0010. Binders are supposedly good for preventing wind.

Socks & Booties – the Tollyjoy and H&M ones are good. Don’t get the Carters and Mothercare ones. Too small!

Mittens – Tollyjoy & Luvable Friends – I bought Guava mitts but once it left a terrible mark on Saeed’s hand 😦 SO YES, I HATE IT.

Feeding

Automatic Breast Pump – I love and hate the Spectra S1. Love because it’s wonderful & hate because the parts keep coming off while pumping. Note that you may need to get a bigger shield.

Manual Pump – I love the Hakka pump. Less work. You just squeeze it and you can do whatever you want to do.

Bottles & Sterilizer – Tommee Tippee – I love their bundle!

Bottle warmer – Good for warming breastmilk/formula milk when your baby is cluster feeding.

Bottles – Tommee Tippee (but please don’t get the sippees ok!)

Soother – Tommee Tippee & do get the soother clip from Tollyjoy also

Mouth and Hand wipes – Pigeon

Breast wipes – I use the NUK ones and they are handy!

On the Go

Strollers – Love my not-one-hand operation Inglesina Quad. It’s not one-handed but it’s so easy to manoeuvre when going around.

Diaper Bag – I searched and look at quite a number but settled for Le Sportsac. It’s big enough, pretty and has MANY MANY compartments. 🙂 Also comes with the matching changing mat. Yes it’s not exactly very cheap but if your colleagues are asking you what to give you, you can ask for a diaper bag. This was my birthday request. :-p

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Changing mat – A must have

Litter bag + casing – Trust me, this is so useful. My sister is a genius lah. You use this to put poopy diapers in. We use this at home and on the go. So we have two of this. You can get this from Daiso. It looks like the below. I think I can get it cheaper from Taobao. If you don’t know how to use taobao, then maybe I can order for you. I’m waiting for my shipment which should reach me latest by tomorrow to see if it’s the correct one.

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Wet bag – Got mine from Qoo10

Big and Medium Ziplocs – For putting clothes on the go and at home. Actually after washing the clothes, we put them in ziplocs and once baby is born, we’ll open the newborn ones and then once baby reach 3mths, we’ll open the 3mths one and put the newborn ones back into the ziplocs. This one my sister teach me one. :-p

Ok this is for mummies but I ordered a gazillion of these dresses from Taobao and they are awesome for breastfeeding or pumping mummies. They are sleeveless and not thick. Ankle-length. No buttons and you can just pull the chest portion down and breastfeed. When guests come over, just put a cardigan over it. :-p Cheap, many colours and comfy. What more you need?

Ok this list will never end because you just need more and more and more.

Saeed is 2 months!

I’ve been wanting to blog but have been so so busy!

Saeed is 2 months now! Can you believe it?

We had our first raya with him. Finally a year where I have a new handbag that’s interactive. Lol. Handbag eh. But yes, it was awesome cos we went visiting on both days, full force ie. the whole family. That was fun. We couldn’t use those glamour kurungs and I couldn’t just sit and eat and talk unlike past rayas where we’re so carefree. But looking at little Saeed in his kurung and jubah (which last for an hour or so) made me so happy. I can’t wait for next year raya when he’ll be 1 plus year old!

Unfortunately though, all of us caught the flu on the first raya weekend. Now that was scary. Saeed had a super phlegmy cough and a cold. 😦 We had to bring him to the PD twice and on the second time, he had to have the mucus sucked out. That was painful. Hubby had to ask me to leave the room and when I heard Saeed screamed, I cried and cried. But alhamdulillah he got better after that. I put on the vapour rub from kids paradise and massaged him (i watched nina chua’s video) and he hates the tapping but after each session, he’d vomit out the phlegm.And oh hubby even sucked the mucus using his mouth. That deserved a medal ok. (he said it was salty.. but yes, no comment :-p)

After he got well, my flu turned to a sinus infection. And.. the worst part about it was the father and son tag team. Yes, you read it right. Can you imagine? I was coughing at night and both father and son expressed their unhappiness with the noise through grunts and other caveman/caveboy kind of noise. The cheek of them! Bahaha. I found it offensive for 5 minutes before I find it cute. Yes..oh you little marshmallow, Haz. Melt here and melt there. MELT MELT MELT.

Did I mention that we got Saeed circumcized? Now, that was another scary one. We went to Crescent Clinic cos my auntie recommended it. Actually we were hesitant to do it but when we heard there’s LA administered and there’s painkillers plusssss if he doesn’t get circumsized then he may get UTI (which nowadays is getting more common), we decided to just do it. Afterall, it’s sunnah to do it within the time so if it’s sunnah, it CANNOT be bad right? So yes, we went to Crescent clinic. Saeed’s scaredy cat mummy waited in the car while the grandmother and papa brought him in. Apparently they don’t allow you in when they do the deed. After like 5 minutes, I got restless so I decided to wait at the clinic. My heart wanted to break into a million pieces when I heard the last few screams. URGH. What did I put my child through? But you know what? Actually, it went very well. The husband did not allow me to change his pampers on the first day. But Saeed took it very well. He was a bit whiney on the first day but after that it’s like nothing happened. The ring came off after a few days (I screamed when it happened as I was changing the pampers.. lol drama ah this mummy) and it looks oh so fine now. My helper asked me if I wanted to keep the ring. A part of me wanted to keep it for the daughter in law test. What daughter in law test? Well.. maybe when he found a girl, I’ll ask him to propose with the ring. If she accepts the plastic ring then means she loves him a lot and means she deserve him. So after that, we’ll take out the real diamond ring and I’ll have a daughter in law who love my son a lot. The husband thought the idea is preposterous and IT IS and somehow he didn’t realize I was really joking. :-p So yes, we threw the ring. I mean, other than the purpose I mentioned, I hardly think we can frame it in our living room so people can have a view of it while having their kuih raya right? BAHAHAHA. I can imagine. But speaking of daughter in law… I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that. I love my son a lot ok. Good luck dear future daughter in law. :-p

Ok, back to Saeed. He’s 2 months and he loves to talk. It’s starting to sound more German now which means he’s getting smarter cos yes, they speak German till they turn 1 plus and the German miraculously turn into English! Yesterday, his ‘Neh’for milk turned to ‘Nein’ so yes, it’s German alright. He loves it when I read books to him and sometimes it sounds like he’s reading them with me. I love talking to him so yes, he’s a very chatty little boy. His gummy smiles in the morning makes my day. Nowadays he looks at me with such adoration, I feel like I’m the queen of the world. Ok, of his world at least. He loves looking at me when he’s drinking milk and sometimes, when I look at him, he’ll look away. Then when he’s on the bouncer, he sometimes look at my whole face with such love that I’ll just melt melt melt. Unfortunately for him though, I’m the one person who is the softest but hardest to him (when the situation warrants it). :-p So yes, there were times when I fake a scolding to ask him to sleep. Sometimes I pretend to cry too and sometimes that works. (Well, the emotional blackmailing can work both ways ok. Yes, he’s so smart now that he knows how to make that ‘chemek’ face to make me melt melt melt. Even his papa also melt.) Sometimes I have to pretend to sleep also or cover my head with the blanket. Lol.

I have lots more to blog but he’s demanding my attention now.

Here are some photos of him :

birth

At birth

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I’m a mother!

I only got to see my son after 3 hours in the ward. I couldn’t believe I’m a mother. We stayed at the hospital till Monday because the little one had jaundice. On the 2nd day after my C-sect, I was already up and about in the hospital room! I even walked out to the nursery. We couldn’t decide on his name until the last day at the hospital when we registered his BC. It was either Saad or Bilal or Saeed. Funnily, on the 2nd day, we called him Saad all day. On the 3rd day, we called him Bilal. And on the 4th day, we registered him as Saeed. :p Fickle parents we are.

Unfortunately for me, the stay at the hospital left me unprepared for motherhood. The nurses did everything so we barely had any training.

On the Monday we were discharged, we went home peacefully but at 7pm, my son started crying. And he cried till 6am in the morning. By then, we didn’t have enough sleep and couldn’t think straight. Nothing would pacify him. As he cried, I cried. I couldn’t stop crying. At 6am, we went to Parkway East Hospital. They checked him and said he has wind. Then at 8plus am the PD came. She took one look at him and me and said she will observe him for one day for my sake because I need the rest. So we stayed at the ward. That was when I started sinking into depression. I started blaming myself for everything. I was ridden with guilt about the labour because I put him in distress and he must have been so desperately trying to come out that it must have traumatized him. I told myself that I was so selfish. I cried and cried and cried. When the husband slept, I looked at how tired he was and I cried again. I couldn’t stop crying. The nurses at PEH were very helpful. They taught us so many things. And when they see me crying, they took Saeed away and left me to rest. Baby Saeed was discharged the next day but I was still depressed.

I kept crying many times a day. I blamed myself for everything. I didn’t mind that I didn’t give birth naturally. I didn’t mind the C-sect. (in fact, people who see me, thought I didn’t look like someone who had a C-sect. Maybe it’s because I’ve had surgeries before too.) I didn’t mind if they cut me up anywhere also as long as my son was safe. But I minded that I’ve been coaxing him to come out when he couldn’t. I minded that I put him through many hours of suffering. I blamed myself when I saw him getting startled in his sleep. I thought he hated me because I couldn’t seem to pacify him when he cried. I felt like such an incompetent mother. It didn’t help that I only had 2 or 3 hours of sleep per day. I even disregarded my own health. By the 5th day, I was off painkillers and I was walking like someone who didn’t have surgery. I didn’t care about myself AT ALL. I rushed out of bed when he cried. I just didn’t take care of myself. I also missed being pregnant. I missed my son in my tummy.. his kicks and movements. I miss that so terribly. My husband was such a gem, he was always in action. He even told me to sleep while he handled my son. That though, made me beat myself up even more. I felt myself sinking into depression but I just let myself sink deeper.

My family noticed that and they sat me down. I broke down and told them I blamed myself for everything.. that my son has trauma because of me. They talked to me and Alhamdulillah, I haven’t cried for a few days now! 🙂 I have to accept that it was Allah’s plan and that my son is healthy and fine and that’s all that matters now.

I had thought that I’d be so happy to have a child that I wouldn’t sink into depression. But I was wrong! I was happy to have him but because he was so precious, I was not happy with myself for not doing better. I was blaming myself for everything that didn’t go perfectly. However, I have to accept that this is a learning journey. Nobody is perfect. It’s a new phase of life for me and I have to embrace it and handle it with calmness. Beating myself up will not help at all. I hope all first time mothers will take note of this.

So now, slowly I’m learning to handle things and I try not to panic. It’s not easy but I have to constantly remind myself. I’m so blessed because I have strong support from my husband and our family! 🙂

Btw, I’ve bathed my son, wiped him and washed him when he pooped. Can I say that cleaning him after he pooped makes me feel more accomplished than anything else on my resume? 🙂

2 weeks have passed and I hope time will slow down. I want to savour every single moment with my little gem! He’s growing a bit too fast. Lol. Yes yes yes.. I know.. he’s only 2 weeks only.

And oh, another btw, today he smiled at me for the first time! 🙂 I was BF-ing him and playing with him and then he smiled. MELTS MELTS MELTS. Brace yourself people, you are gonna hate my mummy posts from now.. because they are going to be so filled with beaming mummy moments! :-p

P.s. I’ve already asked my Dr when I can start trying for no 2! Lol. Yes.. I can’t wait. In fact, I miss being pregnant! :-/

 

 

 

 

 

He has arrived!

I was on hospitalization leave from 12 May due to high BP. On Tuesday 17 May, we went to see my gynae and since my BP was high, I was told to go to TMC to get induced on 19 May. I did ask my gynae to do a membrane sweep and she did it thrice and then the bloody show started and the mucus plug came off. When we went back, we tried doing all sorts of exercises. That night, the husband brought me to Orchard so that I could walk and induce labour. We went to Ayam Bakar Ojolali to get spicy food (that supposedly could help) and then we went to Sephora at ION. I walked and walked and the husband tried to ask me what is it I was looking for but I told him not to ask me cos I was trying to distract myself so that I could walk more. It isn’t exactly easy to talk when you are like super pregnant. LOL. But we had to do it. After that we went home. I couldn’t sleep well because I was very restless.

The next day, we went out again. This time to Vivo and we walked and walked. We even had time to go to my sister’s place to see my niece. After that we went home and my lovely doula came with Aunty Nik to help me do some exercises and stretches and massage to induce labour. At about 9plus pm, the husband and I climbed the stairs up to the 7th floor and then down again. Amazingly, I did it in less than 5 minutes. Yes, a heavily pregnant me. Achievement unlock! :-p That night, I couldn’t sleep because I was hoping I’ll go into labour. I had contractions but they were not close enough.

We woke up at 5am on 19 May and got ready. I could barely eat my breakfast. We fetched my parents who insisted on coming and we reported to TMC at 8am. I was asked to lie down at the labour ward and a CTG machine was attached to me. Then my gynae came, did a check and I was still 2-3cm! ARGH. She inserted the tablet to induce me and I was told to lie down for 2 hrs straight. That was another argh. LOL. When you are told not to move, you suddenly feel like peeing and pooing. We distracted me by watching Chowder. The husband and I was laughing and giggling in the labour ward. There were others beside us but they were well-behaved, unlike us! :-p After 2 hours, we were allowed to move around. We went to sit at the family lounge with my parents. I even drank teh tarik and ate sandwich from Deli France. I felt mild contractions then. I was told to just go back to the labour ward every hour for BP check and I had to take BP medicine. Then Zuhur came and we went to the musollah to pray. After that, we went down the stairs.  We told my parents to go back cos it won’t be so soon. At 3pm, the nurse came to do the dilation check. I almost kicked her. It was so painful! When my Dr did the check, I could barely feel anything. URGH. But the bad news was that I was STILL 2-3 cm dilated. My Dr said I have to be induced via drip. At 5plus pm my Dr did another dilation check and again I was only 2-3 cm.

I asked them to let me settle down and do my asar before they put the drip on me. My dr said they will do the minimum dosage first. The husband even took a photo of me with the telekung. My mummy’s telekung. So comforting. After that they put me on the drip. My doula came and really, we couldn’t have gone through this sane without her! The contractions came stronger and at 10ish, they checked again and I was still only 2-3cm. They increased to maximum dosage and then the contractions came even harder. My doula was such a gem, helping me through each contraction. I rode each contraction like a wave. It was painful but I was still coping.  I kept looking at the CTG as each contraction came and when I see the number going down I felt so relieved but it was not long before another one came. I had a wireless CTG on by then so I was more mobile and only had the BP machine attached.My doula made sure I’m hydrated and she helped me do stretches and they helped me coped with the pain. Rocking on the ball helps too! Somehow anything was more comfortable than lying on the bed. They came at 12am and I was only 3cm dilated. It was really tiring.  I was tired by then but still I told myself to hold on. At 2plus am, I felt like I needed to pee and poo and then all of a sudden, I felt a gush of water. I thought I had peed but no.. it was the waterbag! After that, the pain escalated. I didn’t know it was humanly possible to withstand such pain. I started to do even more visualisation and kept visualising my cervix opening up. It was hard. I was exhausted but I told myself to persevere. I kept telling my son to come out, urging him on.

The pain got stronger and at 4ish, they came to check the dilation. I was only 4cm. ARGH. All that pain and only 4cm! I was super exhausted. My gynae told me she need to talk to my husband outside. My husband didn’t tell me what the conversation was about until after the baby is out. He said that he told my gynae that she didn’t need to sell csect to him. Inside the delivery suite, I couldn’t stand it anymore. SO many hours and I was barely dilated! I wanted the epidural then. I couldn’t stand it anymore. My Dr and husband came in and my gynae was happy when I asked for the epidural. It would help my erratic BP. I was lucky. Why? Cos the anaesthetist came in about 5 mins. Normally it would take at least 3o mins. And she almost left for home actually. She came and numb my back and I couldn’t feel anything.. the contractions were worst! I told her to give me the maximum. She did and it was BLISS when the area starts feeling numb. However, my son then started to be in distress. His heart rate went down from 140+ to 100. I was told to breathe in oxygen. I took deep breaths. I can’t afford to lose my son. It was tiring but I had to do it.  After that they managed to find the oxygen thing that they could just put into my nose. My gynae and husband agreed (secretly) to let me sleep and arranged for the emergency c-sect at 6plus am. I managed to sleep and woke up only when I felt pain on my right side. I was told to lie on my right and the pain disappeared. At 6am, my gynae came in and broke the news to me. She told me that we have to do the emergency c-sect. I agreed. My doula gave me words of encouragement and told me I’ve tried my best.

The husband was told to change and I was wheeled to the OT. In the OT, I was introduced to the PD and felt relieved when I saw my Dr and my husband. The husband sat beside me as they cut me up. I couldn’t feel anything and was just relaxed. Then at 6.50am on 20th of May 2016, on a blessed Friday,  I heard my son’s first cries. I choked with tears and cried. I told the husband.. “Can we please name him Bilal?” (but in the end we didn’t name him Bilal) I then asked my husband if our son has hair and if he was fair or dark. My husband through tears of joy and smiles, told me he has hair and he is fair. When I tried soothing my son, my husband said that he paused while crying cos he prolly recognize my voice. Then the moment came, the first time I laid my eyes on my son. They put him on my chest. He opened one eye and looked at me and I drank in the wonderful sight before me. He’s beautiful! They took our first family photo for us and then both my son and husband had to go to do the necessary. They sewed me back and I was just chilling, feeling relieved that my son is safe. I was wheeled to the recovery where I waited impatiently to be wheeled to the ward to see my son! When I came out of the lift, I saw my mummy and she kissed my forehead. My whole family must have been so anxious!

So on 20/05/2016 @ 6.50am, 3 days overdue, our lovely son, Saeed was born.  He was 51cm,  3.43 kg and had a head circumference of 36cm. He couldn’t come out normally because his head was too big. It turned out that he was trying to come out but couldn’t and he even turned and by the time we did the C-Sect, he was facing up. This affected me so much.