We finally had our ER on Friday. It was the hardest of all the ER I’ve had probably because there was a lot of pain involved. I remember I was begging them to stop injecting the fluid into the IV when they were trying to make me sleep ie. GA.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the hardest part of this cycle.
The hardest part came when on Saturday, we had to go see my Dr. Her face sort of told it all. Her words – I’ve some bad news – Only Allah knows how my heart felt then. CRUSHED.
14 eggs retrieved. 5 matured. 0 fertilized.
That wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was her believing that there is no point for me to try again. The egg quality was bad, she said. Most likely it’s due to me being 38. It’s like being given a life sentence – You shalt have no more children. She reminded me to be thankful cos I have my son whilst others have to do many cycles and yet they have nothing. It’s not easy though to look at it that way. This 3rd IVF was a hard cycle for me. Sweat, blood and tears. But what did I get out of it? Not even a chance at trying. I was trying to hold my tears in front of my Dr but maybe it was really too much for me to bear this time and I cried like a baby. My Dr hugged me. The nurse patted me. I can see some of the nurses looked sad as well. When we walked out of the room, I still had tears on my face and I can see a couple nudging each other and staring at me. When we walked out of CHR, I cried again. I didn’t care that other people were looking. If you are told that you may not have any more children, what would you feel? As we were driving home, the tears started again. It was hard to swallow. Most likely, I would never be able to be pregnant again. I touched my tummy and gosh my heart ached. It didn’t help that my tummy was still cramping and my hand was still hurting from the IV. You can still feel all these pain that you had to suffer for… NOTHING.
When I reached home and saw Saeed, I hugged him and apologised to him for I may not be able to give him a sibling. We were busy after that so I was distracted. But when we went home at night, I was so scared to sleep. My heart was aching so badly. I felt like my heart and soul are broken. I slept in the end but woke up in the middle of the night cos my heart ached so badly. I cried silently, not wanting to wake up the son and husband because the next day we had my sil’s wedding and I didn’t want my emotions to affect the joyous occassion. Oh how I had to gather mammooth strength. All I wanted to do was sit in bed and bawl my eyes out but LIFE has to go on.
It’s the 4th day after the news and I’m still hurting. That hole in the heart. From time to time, the tears will just come out. I’m lucky though because Saeed has been entertaining me with his antics. I was cuddling him yesterday when I started crying. He turned, looked at me and put his face to mine. Thank you, my son. I don’t know when I’ll feel 100% though. I can’t even wear the clothes I wore to the appointments at the IVF centre now. I looked at them and I wanted to cry. Last night was hard too, I kept dreaming of the embryologist’s call and ‘O egg fertilized’ was on repeat in my head.
Oh well.. maybe time will heal. I’m feeling better as it is.