One new year resolution..

One of my new year resolutions for A GAZILLION YEARS was to lose weight and be healthy & fit. I was contemplating doing a lot of things, even aquarobics (how much more makcik can I get?) etc. I have to admit that in the back of my head, there was this wild idea that I wanted to be sedated for a month or maybe someone like me will need half a year (but I’m going to miss Saeed!) so that I won’t eat for a few months and then I’ll wake up thinner than Kate Moss. But alas, that’s a wild idea PLUS, it’ll take just a couple of weeks before I gain it all back. So yes, no easy solution. Nope, we’re going to take the long route this time round. I was contemplating muay thai and I KID YOU NOT when I say it really makes you work your whole body more than a toddler does. Ok, NO NO.. nothing can make you work like a toddler does. Toddlers work your body/brain/emotions etc and will press your buttons till you think you are about to snap and then they become the cutest, sweetest thing possible…. like a reverse Gremlin. You know how Gremlins look all sweet and cute at first but later on become… erm.. Gremlin. Toddlers go into this constant state of Gremlin and reverse Gremlin (where they behave like Gremlins but then look all innocent and cuteypatootey). Makes life exciting! Yes. I love my son. Yes.Β  Wait, this entry should be about my resolution.. why is Saeed in this entry? Because I think of him ALL THE TIME, well except when I step into Sephora and he’s at home safe and sound. Okay, stop it Haz.

Where was I? Ah yes, I decided that I must get fit first before I do muay thai. I mean, look at the GIRLS there. They look so fit. If I walk there, people would think I’m like a GIANT walking beanbag (I can’t say punching bag because even a punching bag feels tighter than me).. and it is dangerous to look like one in a muay thai gym. So yes, let’s go back to the drawing board. DRAWING eh, not chopping board. No, I don’t think about food ALL the time. In the end, I decided to join a particular gym that has circuit training. It looks fun (HAHA) but most importantly is that it’s TOTALLY do-able. They have a torture weight-loss programme (no, I didn’t ask for any evaluation from anybody who’s not a trainer there so don’t say anything when you see me and feel that I have not lost anything) that sounds reasonable and do-able so I joined it!

What do I have to do? Circuit training (about 30mins) for at least 3 times a week + 2 vibration sessions (really felt like a human pager here! Beep beep.) and they MONITOR my every meal. MAMPUS. I have to take a picture of my bfast (bye bye epok epok and croissant), lunch (bye bye hajah maimunah) + dinner (bye bye 4 fingers and all that is crispy and sedap and sewaktu dengannya and durian dessert). I had to take note of the calories as I’m only allowed 1200 calories per day. MAMPUS. Breakfast is now normally smoked salmon crumpet (kayalah Kraftwich) because it’s less than 200 calories. I’m a creature of habit and I was highly amused when one of the trainers ask me why I ate the same breakfast everyday. BAHAHA. Lunch can be a bit more flexible but have to eat less rice and choose healthier lauk. Yes, no lemak bercream bergoreng etc. Sometimes I eat smoked duck sandwich. Ok fine, almost every other day. Seems that all these smoked things are of lesser calories. I have to avoid carbo to the best of my ability and nafsu and determination for dinner. In the end, I end up baking chicken breasts and eating it with veges. Since I still need chilli, I end up wrapping my chicken in lettuce leaves. SEDAP. No nasi, no hal. I slept hungry most nights but I did not succumb ok. I drank lots of plain water to make me fuller. If I am hungry mid-day, I’ll eat fruit instead and NO, CHEMPEDAK GORENG is not fruit unfortunately.

I make sure I go to the gym at least 3 times a week (I want to go more but I also want to spend time with Saeed bedekkk, you malas) .. yes even when I feel like my body want to break and I just want to lie down and watch kdrama and eat chocolate cake. The circuit includes alternate cardio plus weights. I told the husband that I squat more now than those people who live in houses with squatting jamban. TIRED SIS. But I feel really good after each work out session. ALL THOSE ENDORPHINS. I told the husband that I feel like I could run from Bedok all the way to our house after each session but of course I have not done that. I can say that each session is tiring (Penat nak mampus doing all the lifting ok) and yet exciting. I’m a determined person so I don’t give up easily. Yesterday I honestly was scared cos NOBODY was there.. except imaginary hantus. But I’m proud to say that I worked myself harder when nobody is looking! I can feel more stamina as days go by and I challenge myself by putting more weights on the machines. YAY HAZ. WTG! I am of course STILL VERY FAR away from my goal but I’ll make sure I’ll get there. I even unfollowed Fluff bakery on my instagram. I haven’t eaten the prosperity burger this year too (it’s more than 1000 calories if you get the meal. Tak ke mampus! Oh yes, I’ve become those menyampah people who google the calories of everything so that I can make a better decision of what to eat). So yes, a pat on my back. I don’t know how long I’ll take but I’ll make sure I’ll get there. I need to be healthier before I do another frozen transfer or IVF too. At least I know I’ve tried to the best of my ability.

The husband has also started going to the gym but he barely has any weight to lose. He’s shoving durians down his throat in front of me though and I really should not talk about this or else people say I open aib my husband.. yalah.. dia tak bedal durian lah. tak lah tak lahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ok bye.

P.S : You can laugh with me but please not at me! I can look at myself candidly tapi I feel terluka hancur if people laugh at my weight and my attempt.

P.P.S : Please be reminded not to be a judge/evaluator etc. Please do not tell me, ‘oh you haven’t lose weight’ or ‘eh good that you are finally doing this’ (EHSHUTUPEH) or ‘oh you’ve lost a bit but got a long more to go’. EH PLS EH. TAK PAYAH. NO NEED. If I wanted a judge, I’d have walked into geylang market the supreme court. K thanks.


Hello 2019!

2018 is finally over!
Oh what a year it has been!
A year where I learn the meaning of being broken. First I failed the FET and then the fresh IVF cycle.
The failed IVF really hit me bad. But it didn’t kill me. As cliche as it sounds, it made me stronger.

I still yearn for another child at least and we do have that little embryo left in the freezer. I’m not sure if I’m doing another IVF and if I do, then it’ll prolly be in Bangkok because I’ve heard how much more technologically advanced they are. I know right! Bangkok? Ahuh..Β  surprising but true! But we’ll see if we really will go that way.

My dear son is 2.5years old now and he’s definitely a toddler. Handling a toddler is definitely not easy but their antics really do make you laugh (If not at that moment then afterwards)! I think toddlers really teach you a lot. They teach you patience and unconditional love. It’s amazing how forgiving and loving they are. Saeed is active as always but there are moments where he FELT me and will put his head on me and say ‘sayang dia’. That will totally melt my troubles away.

I really do not know what 2019 brings but I hope I’ll have the strength to embrace it. I have resolutions for 2019 but the most important one is TO BE HAPPY. I always feel one can only be as happy as one let themselves be and this time I will do just that. I will be happy and worry less. I hope to have more holidays. We’ve only planned 1 in April to Phuket (where else? we love private pool villas, thai food and driving around ourselves!) but I hope to have a long distance one where we get to enjoy winter. I’d love to bundle up little Saeed in winter clothes and watch his cheeks turn rosy from the cold. ❀

IVF no 3 – Failed

We finally had our ER on Friday. It was the hardest of all the ER I’ve had probably because there was a lot of pain involved. I remember I was begging them to stop injecting the fluid into the IV when they were trying to make me sleep ie. GA.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the hardest part of this cycle.

The hardest part came when on Saturday, we had to go see my Dr. Her face sort of told it all. Her words – I’ve some bad news – Only Allah knows how my heart felt then. CRUSHED.

14 eggs retrieved. 5 matured. 0 fertilized.

That wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was her believing that there is no point for me to try again. The egg quality was bad, she said. Most likely it’s due to me being 38. It’s like being given a life sentence – You shalt have no more children. She reminded me to be thankful cos I have my son whilst others have to do many cycles and yet they have nothing. It’s not easy though to look at it that way. This 3rd IVF was a hard cycle for me. Sweat, blood and tears. But what did I get out of it? Not even a chance at trying. I was trying to hold my tears in front of my Dr but maybe it was really too much for me to bear this time and I cried like a baby. My Dr hugged me. The nurse patted me. I can see some of the nurses looked sad as well. When we walked out of the room, I still had tears on my face and I can see a couple nudging each other and staring at me. When we walked out of CHR, I cried again. I didn’t care that other people were looking. If you are told that you may not have any more children, what would you feel? As we were driving home, the tears started again. It was hard to swallow. Most likely, I would never be able to be pregnant again. I touched my tummy and gosh my heart ached. It didn’t help that my tummy was still cramping and my hand was still hurting from the IV. You can still feel all these pain that you had to suffer for… NOTHING.

When I reached home and saw Saeed, I hugged him and apologised to him for I may not be able to give him a sibling. We were busy after that so I was distracted. But when we went home at night, I was so scared to sleep. My heart was aching so badly. I felt like my heart and soul are broken. I slept in the end but woke up in the middle of the night cos my heart ached so badly. I cried silently, not wanting to wake up the son and husband because the next day we had my sil’s wedding and I didn’t want my emotions to affect the joyous occassion. Oh how I had to gather mammooth strength. All I wanted to do was sit in bed and bawl my eyes out but LIFE has to go on.

It’s the 4th day after the news and I’m still hurting. That hole in the heart. From time to time, the tears will just come out. I’m lucky though because Saeed has been entertaining me with his antics. I was cuddling him yesterday when I started crying. He turned, looked at me and put his face to mine. Thank you, my son. I don’t know when I’ll feel 100% though. I can’t even wear the clothes I wore to the appointments at the IVF centre now. I looked at them and I wanted to cry. Last night was hard too, I kept dreaming of the embryologist’s call and ‘O egg fertilized’ was on repeat in my head.

Oh well.. maybe time will heal. I’m feeling better as it is.

IVF no 3

It’s time.

I’ve not really gotten over the grief from the failed FET. I don’t know if others feel the same but i saw a picture of the beautiful 14cell embryo yesterday and when i touched the picture, i wept. I don’t know if this will be a child waiting for me in paradise. Maybe not, because it’s just an embryo. But it could have been my child. I sometimes do mental calculations and thought “ah.. I’d be xxx weeks/months pregnant.” I didn’t know one could feel attached to an embryo. But i did. I love it. It was inside me. It was such a hard ivf cycle with an abandoned FET. I worked hard for that cycle.. Tears, blood and sweat. But it didn’t happen. So tell me, how can i not feel the grief till now?

Oh well. I have to move forward. So here i am. Saeed wants a sibling and i hope i can make it happen. We’re doing a fresh cycle next month inshaAllah. For a moment i kept thinking of the FET protocol then it hit me that I’ll have to be poked again. The multiple visits. The scans. The anxiety as the follicles are measured. Once again, I’ll brave through all these. This time round, some self jabbing may even be involved. But I’ll do it. I can’t wait any longer. The clock is ticking. I want more children. I hope at least one more. Pray for me.

Saeed turned 2

Saeed is 2! I’m not ready yet! He’s growing too fast.

This little boy whom I wished I could give more to.

This little boy who changed my life.

This little boy whose first breathΒ  and cry took my breath away and left me choking in tears.

Where did the baby go to?

The little baby who once would fit snugly in my arms.

The little baby who wouldn’t wriggle out of my arms.

The little baby whom I spent hours staring at while he does the same.

While I’m proud of his achievements, I feel bad. Really bad because I can’t be there for him all the time. I feel bad that he is turning 2 and I didn’t spend all second of the 2 years with him. I hope he knows that I do love him with all of my heart and even more. I hope he knows that while I’m sitting at my desk at work, my mind is wondering what he is doing, whether he’s had his lunch, whether he’s pooped and whether he’s had his nap. A mother never ceases to worry about her child.

My little boy now can speak.
At 2, he can say A to Z, Alif to Ya and count from 1 to 40.

At 2, he’s very naughty but very cute! Many times I get in a situation where I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry but many times I decide to laugh because he’s only this age once.

We went on a holiday recently and he enjoyed himself tremendously. I never knew that I could be so happy seeing my son happy. When I see him grinning, my heart wanted to burst in happiness! πŸ™‚

I never knew such happiness exist.

Saeed is a living proof that miracles can happen. Everytime I look at him, I am reminded of how at a time when things seem so impossible, when my reproductive system is at its worst, Saeed happened. I am reminded of how small I felt then, sobbing to Allah and how Great Allah is.

Some people said he looks like his father and some said he looks like me. I know for sure that he has my eyes! Bahaha. He’s a lot like me and his father in character too. Sometimes I get really amazed. I mean how can someone be sooo much like me! PADAN MUKA I!

He’s talking a lot nowadays and the things he says always make us laugh. Such a joy!Β  Unless he does that at 3am. Then we will not laugh. Bahaha. It’s so not funny when he wants a conversation at 3am.. or worse, when he says he doesn’t want to sleep and want to go.. OUTSIDE. *cold sweat*Β  A child opening his eyes in the middle of the night is ONE of the scariest thing ever. It’s like nampak hantu tapi kalau hantu you baca du’a dia inshaAllah akan disappear. Tapi ni kalau baca du’a pun dia tak nak tidur balik. :-p HEP HAZ. Mentang mentang it’s bulan puasa, cakap macam takder insurance.

By the way, we had a little birthday celebration for Saeed. Since it’s fasting month, we didn’t have any theme merepek meraban yang maknya Saeed suka. Instead the theme is on the food – Kononnya we had Mediterranean food. Nasi mandhi plus deserts and I yg sesungguhnya malas selalu made tomatoes stuffed with feta, fig drizzled with greek yoghurt and honey (it’s sublime, I promise) and apricots stuffed with ricotta and roasted pistachio. Sounds soooo travel and living channel but actually nilah jadi kalau pemalas tapi nak style and fefeeling Nigella. :-p I didn’t bake the cake but ordered a very cute dinosaur one. The birthday boy loved it. He was so happy to see his cake and enjoyed singing his birthday song. He made us sing at least thrice I think. I was so proud that he didn’t cry when we all sang but instead joined in and clapped throughout. You ada tokoh jadi celebrity! So tak macam mak you yang so socially awkward. He enjoyed the attention tremendously and even said ‘somemore’ when people stop taking pictures. Vain betul macam papanya. Takkan lah orang nak take your pictures non-stop kan. Supermodel pun ada break. Anyway, it was a wonderful party and we all enjoyed ourselves. ❀ And and and… he slept very well that night. It felt like it was my birthday when I woke up the next day.




Why are you so open about your ivf?

Eh Haz, you talk about IVF so openly. Tak malu ke? Nak malu for what eh? Because I’m infertile and need medical assistance to get pregnant? No. I tak rasa malu terus. In fact, I’m proud of myself. I hope I have inspired others in my journey. I hope I have helped people understand what IVF is. I hope I have helped people get courage to go for a check up and fertility treatments. I hope I have motivated others.

When I was 20, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I think I probably had it even earlier but it went undiagnosed because everybody thinks period cramps are normal and if you can’t take it then it’s because you ARE WEAK. When my Dr broke the news to me the day after my first surgery,Β  I was alone then. After she left, I sobbed like a mad woman on the hospital bed. She said my endo was stage 4 which means that it was severe. I had so many questions in my head but I didn’t even know what to ask. One of my questions was why is life so cruel? I’m 20 but I have a disease that could possibly cause me not to have children. How do I go on then? One of the worst things about endometriosis is that it’s chronic. It doesn’t kill you but it kills your spirit. I felt so alone then. Supposedly, it was something shameful to have. Anything associated with the female reproductive system = better keep it hush hush cos it’s so shameful. Nobody should talk about their periods and the pains etc. SOooo malu. Errrrr.. why eh? Why must be malu? People (including men) should be aware there are such diseases so they know how to help their wives/daughters.

There were no forums etc then. However, I managed to find the endometriosis association and went for one of their support group meetings. Everybody around me were in their late 20s or 30s. Somehow, I felt out of place still. So many times I cried because I didn’t know why my body is so stupid. I even had to take a jab to make myself go into menopause so that my endo would slow down. I remembered when my period came after that. I was a toilet in Suntec and the pain came and I cried in the cubicle. WHY? Why is this happening to me? Slowly, I learned to accept what I had. But I vowed to myself that I will let people know what endometriosis is. 1) There needs to be more awareness so that people will go for a check up if they have painful periods. 2) There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. People need to wake up!

When my husband and I fell in love, I told him that I may not be able to have children. I even told him that it’s ok if he doesn’t want to be with me because of that. My dear husband told me that he’d marry me even if I can’t have children. We got married in 2009 and after just one month of trying, I told him we should go and see a gynae. We did and she discovered 2 cysts – one in each ovary. So I had to go for my second surgery. I was devastated but my hubby helped me through it.

We’ve been trying since then to have a baby but then decided that we need to take another step in 2011. We tried IUI and did not succeed. I was totally heartbroken. In 2015, after finishing our part time studies, we decided to go for IVF. It was quite a trying one because we almost failed it but we succeeded and I was pregnant with Saeed. I was very open about that IVF. I blogged about it, wrote on FB about it and told people about it. People need to be aware of their options. People need to know that there are people out there who have trouble having babies, just like them. I didn’t want to keep IVF hush hush, just like I didn’t want to keep endo hush hush. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I proudly tell people my son is an IVF baby. My husband is a very private person but he allowed me to talk about IVF because he agreed with me. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Plus, never underestimate the power of du’as by the people supporting you on your journey.

So yes, in case people are wondering why am I blogging/fb-ing about my IVF, here is the answer. πŸ™‚ If you feel uncomfortable reading about it or menyampah, then by all means, please delete me.

I think I must have had endo for 20 years by now and I’m not going to keep quiet about it.

How to console your wife who just failed IVF?

If you’re a man and you’ve googled for this and found my entry, please give yourself a QUICK pat on the back. No, don’t sit there beaming while your wife NEEDS you.

Wait.. firstly a disclaimer. This is not fictional but this is not directed only to my husband. There may be similarities and they are not coincidences. Yes, if there are similarities it’s because YOU IS MAN. Ok, ok, properly.. it’s because you are a man and you won’t understand a woman.

So you wife had a failed IVF cycle or Frozen Embryo transfer? What do you do?

Come out with all the cliche statements while trying to console her?

I’m sorry.. but that’s NOT enough.

IVF is such an invasive and tiring procedure. I know men normally just have to do ONE blood test (yes one prick and that’s it. it’s unfair. ) and have to give the bottle of your thingies. Basically that’s the only physical part you need to go through. Yup, yup. Women? Ah.. the multiple injections during stimulation, the multiple blood tests to check the hormones, the endless scans (trust me when I say they can become uncomfortable) the embryo retrieval, the embryo transfer (holding the pee in a cold OT SUCKS big time) and then the final prick for the blood test. It’s invasive. It’s TRYING. It’s tiring. And if she fails, she feels like a loser. She has put in the effort but she still couldn’t get pregnant. It’s not fair. So yes, your cliche statements are DEFINITELY not enough. And please eh, cancel all your futsal/jamming/hanging out with buddies appointment! SHE NEEDS YOU. Yes, you can’t suddenly make her pregnant or perform a miracle but you can try to pick up the one thousand pieces of her shattered heart. She’s a broken woman. Yes, she’s strong. But no matter how strong she is, she is only human.

  1. Hug her. Hold her. Tell her it’s ok. Tell her you love her. Tell her YOU DON’T MIND IF YOU DON’T HAVE children. If you mind not having children, then please stop reading this. Instead switch on your youtube and listen to a particular Lily Allen song. I can’t say the title of the song here because it’s an expletive. Oooopssss.. *covers mouth*
  2. Send her flowers. Yah, it can’t make up for a baby. But why don’t men understand that flowers can make a woman happy? You should know her fav flowers! Tell her you love her in the card. Actually, if you want to be a REALLY nice guy then give her flowers at the start of the cycle and on the day of the result. It would be nice if you arrange to send the flowers before you even know the result with a note like this – I know it’s scary but please know we are in this together and I love you no matter what the result is. – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. sweet right? This kind won’t give her diabetes one. And you won’t die of shame even if she post it on fb. You may get marriage proposals though.
  3. Buy her an ice-cream. If she’s asian, she’s prolly been fasting from cold food. If she drinks coffee, then get her ice-cream, coffee and whatever things she can’t eat during the cycle. She may shed tears but she will feel a bit liberated. Don’t underestimate ice-cream/chocolate etc.
  4. Bring her out shopping. She’s broken and tired. But she still needs to shop. She can’t be walking naked, shoeless, bagless and with a bare face because she failed a transfer right? She needs to make herself feel better and shopping can help MANY women feel better. You don’t have to pay but you get bonus points if you do. And please, avoid all the baby sections/shops etc. If you see a pregnant woman, try to distract your wife.
  5. Do silly things with her. Entertain her. Watch chick flicks if she wants. Don’t worry, everything you’ve had before you watch the chick flick will still be on your body. You won’t even lose your face. She’d appreciate you letting go of your ego to lift her spirits and pick up the shattered pieces of her heart.
  6. Bring her to the beach or wherever she likes to go to calm herself down.
  7. If you want to win an award for best husband then tell her to pack her bags and bring her to ANOTHER country. Yes, a holiday. She will really appreciate that. Let her heal. Let her forget even for a while.
  8. Please agree to skip any birthday parties/baby showers/weddings etc. She’s really not in the right state of mind/being to attend such functions. She really won’t be able to take a ‘why are you not pregnant yet’ question.
  9. Take a day or two off work to spend time with her. Ask her what she wants to do the most if you really don’t know what to do with the time.
  10. Pray for her. Pray that she is given strength.
  11. If she doesn’t want to go out, get her a book by her fav author or if she has other hobbies then buy her stuff related to the hobbies. Help her distract herself. You can do this during the two week wait after the embryo transfer too!
  12. After all the abuse her body had gone through, it would be nice if you can give her a message since she’s not pregnant. If your hands are useless then book her a massage or spa session. You could make them useful that way too. Don’t give excuses.

This list can go on and on. There are many things you can do to cheer her up. After ALL the physical things she had to do to try and get pregnant, cheer her up WITH your actions. Don’t NATO lah. If she just wants to talk, she can talk to Siri or Tom Cat. She may say she doesn’t feel like it but try and coax her. She wants to feel better, so help her to feel better if she doesn’t know how to do it. Continue whispering sweet nothings to her.


Disclaimer : This is not directed to my husband although if he reads and picks up a few things from here then he gets plus points. :-p

FET round 2 – Fail

As expected, the FET was a failure. I think it was really a good thing that I tested the HPT prior to the BT (blood test). At least I had an idea of what to expect. At least I started crying earlier and recover earlier. Allah is actually so merciful to me. I had vertigo last Friday and because of that, I had to test the HPT. But because of that vertigo, I also learn to count my blessings. Sometimes when what you take for granted is taken away from you, you learn to appreciate everything. When even walking or lying down becomes a task cos of the spinning room, you learn to appreciate walking and being able to sleep. Plus, Saeed was already a miracle. I can’t expect a miracle EVERY single time.

The BT was on Monday 05/02/2018. I told the nurse that I already know it’s a negative. She briefly touched my back as I was leaving. As I walked out of CHR (Clinic for Human Reproduction), the tears just started coming out. I felt so dejected. Maybe it was because I was so hopeful each time we walked through those doors. The husband held me as we walked. I managed to joke that thankfully we’re at a place where people are used to seeing others cry. That’s ME. I can be crying but I WILL crack a joke. Maybe it’s to make myself feel better each time. Maybe it’s because I feel like the person who had to face a crying me, deserve a smile too. The husband sent me home and went to work. I waited for the phonecall. For IVF BT, you will go to the clinic in the morning and they will call you before noon to advise you of the result. The phonecall came just as I was googling ‘What time will NUH call for BT result’. What I was trying to find out was, if a later call means it’s positive. Sad huh? There was a little hope left there I guess. But yes,the call came and from the nurse’s voice, I already knew the answer. I hung up and sobbed again after that. Then I took a nap. I always sleep when I’m sad. But after I woke up, I was a determined person. I have a new plan and it doesn’t involve me sobbing over something I pretty much don’t have control over. πŸ™‚ My son was also very loving towards me that night. He kept blowing me kisses. It’s as if he knew. Maybe he did. When we first went home after the FET, he actually said baby and pointed to my tummy. A few days went by (during which implantation should have occurred) and he stopped saying baby and pointing to my tummy.

My Dr asked CHR to schedule an appointment the very next morning. She stood up and hugged me when I walked to the room. She told me that she kept checking for the results and when she saw it was a negative, she was so sad and affected. I love her! My floodgates nearly burst opened but I managed to control myself and put up a brave front. I didn’t want her to feel bad. Instead, I told her my plan. She agreed and yes, move forward we shall! πŸ™‚

So what’s the plan? I want to do egg-pooling. I have one more frozen embryo but I’m not going to transfer that just yet. Since I’m just a few years away from 40, I should maximise my co-funding. :-p So I’m going to do another fresh cycle. The husband was against it at first cos he said it’s very painful for me. I told him that because the pain is still fresh in my mind, it won’t be a shock to me. He agreed. So if that fresh cycle garner one or two embryos then I’m going to do ANOTHER fresh cycle after that. Yes, use up my co-funding. Then after that, I’ll do the frozen embryo transfer. I’ll use all the embryos and if there’s no success, then I’ll just close shop. Hrmph, but now I’m blogging about this, I wonder if I should try a fresh cycle embryo transfer. Maybe I should discuss further with my Dr.

This is the beautiful 14 cell embryo that failed to implant. I didn’t know why it didn’t. Maybe cos i was sick. Maybe cos it has chromosonal defect. So many maybes but it’s Allah’s secret. Goodbye my love, I’m sorry it wasn’t meant to be. In the meantime, we’ll hope for another miracle.

Fet #2 – 9dp 4dt

As usual, the 2 weeks wait is driving me crazy. The vivid dreams are driving me crazy – this is due to the progesterone ie. Crinone.

And since yesterday, I’ve been feeling like my AF ie. period is coming.

Oh I’m so sian can. 😞 I had more hope cos it’s a Day 4 Morula with 14 cells. It’s a very good quality embryo.

I’m not sure if i will just break down and cry. I honestly feel like drinking coffee, eating ice cream etc since it feels like a failed cycle. In fact, i bought a hot fudge sundae on Monday but end up not eating it cos I’m chicken like that. It’s like you feel pessimistic but you still want to hold on to that 0.01% of hope. I think it’s human nature. You cling on to any hope you have. Ivf-ers are very good at this. I mean, for years, many of us tried for a baby and we didn’t give up. We try and try again. But yah, a part of me tells me this is a failed cycle cos there’s no symptoms and it feels like my period is coming. So now it’s either i see red first or i wait for my blood test on Monday. I’m not sure which is scarier. I’m not going to answer the call though. I’ll let the husband do it.

I know some people will say ‘but you already have one’ or ‘you can try again’. But it’s not that easy. Just because i already have one, doesn’t make me feel better if i fail this time round. I went through another fresh cycle and it was filled with blood, sweat and tears. It wasn’t easy. Of course I’ll hope for a baby as the outcome right? I want a no 2 desperately. I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl. I want Saeed to have a sibling.

But i also know that Allah has His plan. Maybe we have to use up the other embryo. Or maybe we have to go through another fresh cycle. Unfortunately, i don’t have a lot of time for this. I’m older (decreased chances) and I’m not sure my colleagues will be pleased with me taking more mc and hl. *sigh* Unless i quit my job and try a couple more of fresh cycles.

I think if this time is a negative then i probably have the cough to blame. I’ve been having this cough for more than a month and it was esp bad the days before and after the embryo transfer. I was so worried it will affect my embryo. And maybe indeed it has. 😞 There are other factors too of course.

Gosh it’s gonna be sucky max when i go back to work post hl with a negative result. I’m not sure when i can do another FET. I should have gone back to work one week post transfer instead of taking HL. 😞

Sorry if this is such a negative, whiny post. I feel pessimistic. I feel down. But the tears won’t come out. I could only make a sulky face. Maybe when the AF came or when the BT result come out then the tears will come. For now, I’ll just sleep off this depressing feeling.