I started this blog to blog about a lot of things but ended up talking a lot about infertility and IVF.
The last failed IVF hit me pretty bad. I couldn’t really cry but I felt broken. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions then. So I kept it in. I thought I was being strong. But end up…. it all gave way last year.
It started when I felt something in my eye suddenly before bed time. I tried to rub my eyes but got a corneal stain instead. I slept that night with Iqbal holding my hands because I was so scared. When I went to the eye specialist, he told me it’s conjunctivital concretion and he took that out. It’s basically a calcium deposit. That was when IT started. My battle with anxiety. I discovered I had more of such concretions and it drove me crazy. The eye specialist said there is no need to take them out. But I broke. That night, I broke into pieces.
A few days later, I was sitting at the dining table, just starting to eat dinner when I looked at the husband and then walked to the bathroom. I tried blowing my nose. I tried washing nose. I returned to the table and couldn’t continue eating. ‘I can’t breathe’ That’s what I told my husband. ‘But you are breathing. Or else you would be dead.’ I wanted to scream. ‘No I can’t breathe. I don’t know why.’ Then I had this sudden feeling in my tummy. Like somebody suckered-punch me and took away all my guts. I felt the gastric juices and my legs felt week. That was my second anxiety attack. I had one years ago when I had flu and that ended up with my parents rushing me to the hospital and the Dr saying there’s nothing wrong with me. Nobody said it was an anxiety attack but I am sure it was my very first anxiety attack. It happened once then and never again until last year.
It was so scary. I kept crying after the breathing episode. I couldn’t be left alone because I got scared. I thought I was going to die. Oh this is overwhelming… I’ll continue in another post.