Why are you so open about your ivf?

Eh Haz, you talk about IVF so openly. Tak malu ke? Nak malu for what eh? Because I’m infertile and need medical assistance to get pregnant? No. I tak rasa malu terus. In fact, I’m proud of myself. I hope I have inspired others in my journey. I hope I have helped people understand what IVF is. I hope I have helped people get courage to go for a check up and fertility treatments. I hope I have motivated others.

When I was 20, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I think I probably had it even earlier but it went undiagnosed because everybody thinks period cramps are normal and if you can’t take it then it’s because you ARE WEAK. When my Dr broke the news to me the day after my first surgery,Ā  I was alone then. After she left, I sobbed like a mad woman on the hospital bed. She said my endo was stage 4 which means that it was severe. I had so many questions in my head but I didn’t even know what to ask. One of my questions was why is life so cruel? I’m 20 but I have a disease that could possibly cause me not to have children. How do I go on then? One of the worst things about endometriosis is that it’s chronic. It doesn’t kill you but it kills your spirit. I felt so alone then. Supposedly, it was something shameful to have. Anything associated with the female reproductive system = better keep it hush hush cos it’s so shameful. Nobody should talk about their periods and the pains etc. SOooo malu. Errrrr.. why eh? Why must be malu? People (including men) should be aware there are such diseases so they know how to help their wives/daughters.

There were no forums etc then. However, I managed to find the endometriosis association and went for one of their support group meetings. Everybody around me were in their late 20s or 30s. Somehow, I felt out of place still. So many times I cried because I didn’t know why my body is so stupid. I even had to take a jab to make myself go into menopause so that my endo would slow down. I remembered when my period came after that. I was a toilet in Suntec and the pain came and I cried in the cubicle. WHY? Why is this happening to me? Slowly, I learned to accept what I had. But I vowed to myself that I will let people know what endometriosis is. 1) There needs to be more awareness so that people will go for a check up if they have painful periods. 2) There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. People need to wake up!

When my husband and I fell in love, I told him that I may not be able to have children. I even told him that it’s ok if he doesn’t want to be with me because of that. My dear husband told me that he’d marry me even if I can’t have children. We got married in 2009 and after just one month of trying, I told him we should go and see a gynae. We did and she discovered 2 cysts – one in each ovary. So I had to go for my second surgery. I was devastated but my hubby helped me through it.

We’ve been trying since then to have a baby but then decided that we need to take another step in 2011. We tried IUI and did not succeed. I was totally heartbroken. In 2015, after finishing our part time studies, we decided to go for IVF. It was quite a trying one because we almost failed it but we succeeded and I was pregnant with Saeed. I was very open about that IVF. I blogged about it, wrote on FB about it and told people about it. People need to be aware of their options. People need to know that there are people out there who have trouble having babies, just like them. I didn’t want to keep IVF hush hush, just like I didn’t want to keep endo hush hush. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I proudly tell people my son is an IVF baby. My husband is a very private person but he allowed me to talk about IVF because he agreed with me. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Plus, never underestimate the power of du’as by the people supporting you on your journey.

So yes, in case people are wondering why am I blogging/fb-ing about my IVF, here is the answer. šŸ™‚ If you feel uncomfortable reading about it or menyampah, then by all means, please delete me.

I think I must have had endo for 20 years by now and I’m not going to keep quiet about it.


How to console your wife who just failed IVF?

If you’re a man and you’ve googled for this and found my entry, please give yourself a QUICK pat on the back. No, don’t sit there beaming while your wife NEEDS you.

Wait.. firstly a disclaimer. This is not fictional but this is not directed only to my husband. There may be similarities and they are not coincidences. Yes, if there are similarities it’s because YOU IS MAN. Ok, ok, properly.. it’s because you are a man and you won’t understand a woman.

So you wife had a failed IVF cycle or Frozen Embryo transfer? What do you do?

Come out with all the cliche statements while trying to console her?

I’m sorry.. but that’s NOT enough.

IVF is such an invasive and tiring procedure. I know men normally just have to do ONE blood test (yes one prick and that’s it. it’s unfair. ) and have to give the bottle of your thingies. Basically that’s the only physical part you need to go through. Yup, yup. Women? Ah.. the multiple injections during stimulation, the multiple blood tests to check the hormones, the endless scans (trust me when I say they can become uncomfortable) the embryo retrieval, the embryo transfer (holding the pee in a cold OT SUCKS big time) and then the final prick for the blood test. It’s invasive. It’s TRYING. It’s tiring. And if she fails, she feels like a loser. She has put in the effort but she still couldn’t get pregnant. It’s not fair. So yes, your cliche statements are DEFINITELY not enough. And please eh, cancel all your futsal/jamming/hanging out with buddies appointment! SHE NEEDS YOU. Yes, you can’t suddenly make her pregnant or perform a miracle but you can try to pick up the one thousand pieces of her shattered heart. She’s a broken woman. Yes, she’s strong. But no matter how strong she is, she is only human.

  1. Hug her. Hold her. Tell her it’s ok. Tell her you love her. Tell her YOU DON’T MIND IF YOU DON’T HAVE children. If you mind not having children, then please stop reading this. Instead switch on your youtube and listen to a particular Lily Allen song. I can’t say the title of the song here because it’s an expletive. Oooopssss.. *covers mouth*
  2. Send her flowers. Yah, it can’t make up for a baby. But why don’t men understand that flowers can make a woman happy? You should know her fav flowers! Tell her you love her in the card. Actually, if you want to be a REALLY nice guy then give her flowers at the start of the cycle and on the day of the result. It would be nice if you arrange to send the flowers before you even know the result with a note like this – I know it’s scary but please know we are in this together and I love you no matter what the result is. – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. sweet right? This kind won’t give her diabetes one. And you won’t die of shame even if she post it on fb. You may get marriage proposals though.
  3. Buy her an ice-cream. If she’s asian, she’s prolly been fasting from cold food. If she drinks coffee, then get her ice-cream, coffee and whatever things she can’t eat during the cycle. She may shed tears but she will feel a bit liberated. Don’t underestimate ice-cream/chocolate etc.
  4. Bring her out shopping. She’s broken and tired. But she still needs to shop. She can’t be walking naked, shoeless, bagless and with a bare face because she failed a transfer right? She needs to make herself feel better and shopping can help MANY women feel better. You don’t have to pay but you get bonus points if you do. And please, avoid all the baby sections/shops etc. If you see a pregnant woman, try to distract your wife.
  5. Do silly things with her. Entertain her. Watch chick flicks if she wants. Don’t worry, everything you’ve had before you watch the chick flick will still be on your body. You won’t even lose your face. She’d appreciate you letting go of your ego to lift her spirits and pick up the shattered pieces of her heart.
  6. Bring her to the beach or wherever she likes to go to calm herself down.
  7. If you want to win an award for best husband then tell her to pack her bags and bring her to ANOTHER country. Yes, a holiday. She will really appreciate that. Let her heal. Let her forget even for a while.
  8. Please agree to skip any birthday parties/baby showers/weddings etc. She’s really not in the right state of mind/being to attend such functions. She really won’t be able to take a ‘why are you not pregnant yet’ question.
  9. Take a day or two off work to spend time with her. Ask her what she wants to do the most if you really don’t know what to do with the time.
  10. Pray for her. Pray that she is given strength.
  11. If she doesn’t want to go out, get her a book by her fav author or if she has other hobbies then buy her stuff related to the hobbies. Help her distract herself. You can do this during the two week wait after the embryo transfer too!
  12. After all the abuse her body had gone through, it would be nice if you can give her a message since she’s not pregnant. If your hands are useless then book her a massage or spa session. You could make them useful that way too. Don’t give excuses.

This list can go on and on. There are many things you can do to cheer her up. After ALL the physical things she had to do to try and get pregnant, cheer her up WITH your actions. Don’t NATO lah. If she just wants to talk, she can talk to Siri or Tom Cat. She may say she doesn’t feel like it but try and coax her. She wants to feel better, so help her to feel better if she doesn’t know how to do it. Continue whispering sweet nothings to her.


Disclaimer : This is not directed to my husband although if he reads and picks up a few things from here then he gets plus points. :-p

FET round 2 – Fail

As expected, the FET was a failure. I think it was really a good thing that I tested the HPT prior to the BT (blood test). At least I had an idea of what to expect. At least I started crying earlier and recover earlier. Allah is actually so merciful to me. I had vertigo last Friday and because of that, I had to test the HPT. But because of that vertigo, I also learn to count my blessings. Sometimes when what you take for granted is taken away from you, you learn to appreciate everything. When even walking or lying down becomes a task cos of the spinning room, you learn to appreciate walking and being able to sleep. Plus, Saeed was already a miracle. I can’t expect a miracle EVERY single time.

The BT was on Monday 05/02/2018. I told the nurse that I already know it’s a negative. She briefly touched my back as I was leaving. As I walked out of CHR (Clinic for Human Reproduction), the tears just started coming out. I felt so dejected. Maybe it was because I was so hopeful each time we walked through those doors. The husband held me as we walked. I managed to joke that thankfully we’re at a place where people are used to seeing others cry. That’s ME. I can be crying but I WILL crack a joke. Maybe it’s to make myself feel better each time. Maybe it’s because I feel like the person who had to face a crying me, deserve a smile too. The husband sent me home and went to work. I waited for the phonecall. For IVF BT, you will go to the clinic in the morning and they will call you before noon to advise you of the result. The phonecall came just as I was googling ‘What time will NUH call for BT result’. What I was trying to find out was, if a later call means it’s positive. Sad huh? There was a little hope left there I guess. But yes,the call came and from the nurse’s voice, I already knew the answer. I hung up and sobbed again after that. Then I took a nap. I always sleep when I’m sad. But after I woke up, I was a determined person. I have a new plan and it doesn’t involve me sobbing over something I pretty much don’t have control over. šŸ™‚ My son was also very loving towards me that night. He kept blowing me kisses. It’s as if he knew. Maybe he did. When we first went home after the FET, he actually said baby and pointed to my tummy. A few days went by (during which implantation should have occurred) and he stopped saying baby and pointing to my tummy.

My Dr asked CHR to schedule an appointment the very next morning. She stood up and hugged me when I walked to the room. She told me that she kept checking for the results and when she saw it was a negative, she was so sad and affected. I love her! My floodgates nearly burst opened but I managed to control myself and put up a brave front. I didn’t want her to feel bad. Instead, I told her my plan. She agreed and yes, move forward we shall! šŸ™‚

So what’s the plan? I want to do egg-pooling. I have one more frozen embryo but I’m not going to transfer that just yet. Since I’m just a few years away from 40, I should maximise my co-funding. :-p So I’m going to do another fresh cycle. The husband was against it at first cos he said it’s very painful for me. I told him that because the pain is still fresh in my mind, it won’t be a shock to me. He agreed. So if that fresh cycle garner one or two embryos then I’m going to do ANOTHER fresh cycle after that. Yes, use up my co-funding. Then after that, I’ll do the frozen embryo transfer. I’ll use all the embryos and if there’s no success, then I’ll just close shop. Hrmph, but now I’m blogging about this, I wonder if I should try a fresh cycle embryo transfer. Maybe I should discuss further with my Dr.

This is the beautiful 14 cell embryo that failed to implant. I didn’t know why it didn’t. Maybe cos i was sick. Maybe cos it has chromosonal defect. So many maybes but it’s Allah’s secret. Goodbye my love, I’m sorry it wasn’t meant to be. In the meantime, we’ll hope for another miracle.

Fet #2 – 9dp 4dt

As usual, the 2 weeks wait is driving me crazy. The vivid dreams are driving me crazy – this is due to the progesterone ie. Crinone.

And since yesterday, I’ve been feeling like my AF ie. period is coming.

Oh I’m so sian can. šŸ˜ž I had more hope cos it’s a Day 4 Morula with 14 cells. It’s a very good quality embryo.

I’m not sure if i will just break down and cry. I honestly feel like drinking coffee, eating ice cream etc since it feels like a failed cycle. In fact, i bought a hot fudge sundae on Monday but end up not eating it cos I’m chicken like that. It’s like you feel pessimistic but you still want to hold on to that 0.01% of hope. I think it’s human nature. You cling on to any hope you have. Ivf-ers are very good at this. I mean, for years, many of us tried for a baby and we didn’t give up. We try and try again. But yah, a part of me tells me this is a failed cycle cos there’s no symptoms and it feels like my period is coming. So now it’s either i see red first or i wait for my blood test on Monday. I’m not sure which is scarier. I’m not going to answer the call though. I’ll let the husband do it.

I know some people will say ‘but you already have one’ or ‘you can try again’. But it’s not that easy. Just because i already have one, doesn’t make me feel better if i fail this time round. I went through another fresh cycle and it was filled with blood, sweat and tears. It wasn’t easy. Of course I’ll hope for a baby as the outcome right? I want a no 2 desperately. I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl. I want Saeed to have a sibling.

But i also know that Allah has His plan. Maybe we have to use up the other embryo. Or maybe we have to go through another fresh cycle. Unfortunately, i don’t have a lot of time for this. I’m older (decreased chances) and I’m not sure my colleagues will be pleased with me taking more mc and hl. *sigh* Unless i quit my job and try a couple more of fresh cycles.

I think if this time is a negative then i probably have the cough to blame. I’ve been having this cough for more than a month and it was esp bad the days before and after the embryo transfer. I was so worried it will affect my embryo. And maybe indeed it has. šŸ˜ž There are other factors too of course.

Gosh it’s gonna be sucky max when i go back to work post hl with a negative result. I’m not sure when i can do another FET. I should have gone back to work one week post transfer instead of taking HL. šŸ˜ž

Sorry if this is such a negative, whiny post. I feel pessimistic. I feel down. But the tears won’t come out. I could only make a sulky face. Maybe when the AF came or when the BT result come out then the tears will come. For now, I’ll just sleep off this depressing feeling.

Is it already 2018?

Time sure flies!
Where did 2017 went?
It was such a trying year but alhamdulillah, it only strengthened my faith in Allah.
People want to see my downfall but Allah planned everything before they plotted.
One thing is for sure, I won't take bullshit from people anymore. It doesn't matter WHO you are. 
One more thing - sometimes the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most. Oh, hurt I was. Angry I was. But I turned to the Quran for solace. So hey, thank you eh people.
2017 was such a rocky year where I felt vulnerable but when the worst hit, I realized that I don't need to depend on people. Allah kan ada.
It's really amazing how people don't do any self-reflection. Crazy, I tell you.
Oh well, they deserve each other. 
Ok, enough of this.

Saeed is almost 1 yr 8mths.
He's walking, running, jumping, climbing and talking.
Oh how time flies!
I miss those times when he would lie down in my arms and stare into my eyes. 
The terrible twos have started though.
Oh the tantrums, the cries and the temper.
It's entertaining at times but ohsotrying most times. Bahaha.
But who said motherhood is easy?
You live daily with guilt, anxiety and a myriad of emotions.
But you just somehow manage.
Saeed is very much loved. I hope he wouldn't take advantage of that though.
As a mother, I can make lots of du'as that he will be a good muslim who's successful in this world and the next.

So yes, we did a fresh cycle IVF last year.
It wasn't easy cos we had 3 jabs daily - Gonal F, Pergoveris (major ouch) and Cetrotide.
But hey, we survived!
That garnered 2 normally fertilized embryos.
We tried to do our FET the very next month because the stubborn me insisted.
Natural FET right after a cycle = disaster.
After daily blood tests (ouch cos I sometimes have to be poked multiple times before they get my blood!), my follicles grew and shrink before the surge.
So we had to abandon the cycle.
Argh.. waste $ and time. 
The husband decided that I should just take a break
(maybe he's sick of the hormonal monster) and do our FET in 2018.
So yes, we are doing a medicated cycle this time round.
I've already started and finish mercilon last cycle and am taking Progynova this month.
I even did endo-scratching last month and myohmy, it hurts! You can actually feel them scratching your insides. My Dr joked that she expected me to scream but I'm the sort who will clam up and go dead-silent when I'm in pain! A pat on the back for me for going through the endo scratch though. 
We're going for a scan this Friday and if lining is fine, inshaAllah the transfer will be early next week.
I'm actually very nervous now.

So many things could go wrong :
1) Lining not good enough (doesn't help that I've had 3 weeks of flu and is just recovering)
2) No LH surge
3) Embryo doesn't thaw successfully (we have 2 viable ones but we choose to only transfer 1 to reduce risk)
4) Embryo doesn't implant.

I know we already have 1 child but an unsuccessful FET WILL hurt me definitely.
IVF is never easy. It's a process that involves sweat, blood and tears.
My 2 embryos are still precious to me. They could be my children. 
I really hope this cycle will be successful but I have to brace myself.
I was lucky the last time, with my golden embryo. Oh well, I can only make du'a.
It would be marvellous if I can have both babies one day ie. no 2 next year and no 3 the year after next!
I have always dreamt of a big family but I'll take whatever Allah has in store for me.

My dear 2 embryos, mummy really hope to see one of you next week and inshaAllah, we will meet 9 months later.
Mummy has lots of love for you and you will have such a loving and awesome Papa that you will never regret coming to this world!
Your bhaijaan Saeed may be a little less welcoming at first but trust me, he will give you lots and lots of love too.
May it be our destiny to meet.
I promise that I will try my best to be a good mummy and make us have a happy happy happpyyyy family with unconditional love. 
Allahumma Ameen.


IVF no 2!

We’ve started!

We decided to just go head on and today I’m already on D3 of stimulation.

My dear dr decided to give me 100 iu of Pergoveris (morning jab) and 300 iu of Gonal F (night jab) and I hope this will yield better quality eggs etc.

We’ve also decided with FET instead of an embryo transfer in this cycle. I read up on FET and it seems it’s better for people with endo.

Furthermore, we succeeded with FET the last time.

My husband is the injector and so far he’s been experimenting (eh ehhhh.. u think I lab rat is it?) and so far the injection that hurts the least would be when the needle is 90 degrees from the tummy.

At first I was quite nervous but now it’s ok I guess.

Anything for another baby! Anyway, injecting is less painful that taking blood. Taking blood sucks for me because they keep having to poke me.

Saeed..Ā  I’m doing this for you too. I see that longing look you have when you see other kids at the playground. InshaAllah, I’ll try all I can to give you a sibling.


But honestly, I’ve been pretty slack. HEPPPP HEPPPPPP! I take the odd caffeine and cold water and I really ought to eat healthier.

Kraftwich for lunch everyday doesn’t equate to healthy eating. I mean Kraftwich for lunch and then fluff for tea = unhealthy also righttttttttttttttt. Haz, hazzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe I need Saeed to echo my ‘NOOOOOO… DON’TTT..’ everytime I go near anything with sugar. Saeed.. please learn fast. Mummy needs your help. BAHAHA

I mean Saeed is already my fitness instructor.. so he could be my nutritionist too. Actually.. he’s helping me a bit also… everytime I take something to eat, he’ll pop his head and go..”Mammamm.. mammmam?”

Perangai pengecek macam bapak dia. BAHAHAHA. Tapi yes, me still love uols.

So yes, I’ll end up giving him half of what I eat. I know some people will say they only let their children eat this and that. For me – anything goes.. in moderation.

Saeed can eat briyani with ayam masak merah and dhalcha. AHUH. I think he’s got malay + indian tongue. VERY GOOD!

I even make thosai and chicken keema for him on weekends!

Where am I.. oh yah… now that I have the father + son tagteam, hopefully it’ll help me. Lai lai laiiiii.. finish my food for me. :-p


People have been asking me when I intend to send Saeed to school but honestly…Ā  I have no answer for this.

I’m not sure if I want him to attend pre-nursery etc.

Afterall, I attended half of K1 onwards and his father only attended K2 and we aren’t doing too bad!

I think he should enjoy his first few years before drowning in books etc.

At the moment, he LOVES football. I know people may think that I’m saying this because I’m his mummy but… really, I think Saeed is born to play football.

He learnt how to kick a ball before he learns how to walk. He can dribble. He even celebrates with cute moves after scoring goals.

Mummy wants him to be a Paediatrician or Embryologist but oh well, you be whatever you want to be as long as it’s halal.


I’m still working at the moment but hope to quit in a couple of years so I can look after him myself.

I know it’ll mean my degree will be wasted and I probably will not be able to return to where I am.. but I think I need to feel at peace with myself.

I really envy those with a solid support network.

Ok let’s see how this IVF cycle goes.. bismillah..

A little rant..

Time sure flies.

Saeed is 1yr 2mths.

We had a small birthday party for him where all of us dress up as Star Wars characters. Saeed was Obi Wan.

We even had a cake smash afterwhich mummy panicked because she requested for a rainbow cake and she just realized how much colouring he’s ingesting and there’s stain on his face.

We didn’t want a big bash because he can’t remember anyway.

Instead, we went to Phuket. We booked a 4 bedroom villa with private pool and invited our family for an all expenses paid vacation.

It was wonderful. Saeed enjoyed himself at the pool and the villa.


Although it’s been 1yr 2mths, I’m still learning as a mother. I guess you just never stop learning. Motherhood is a journey. With a child that’s learning new things, you also learn new things – about him, about yourself and about parenting.

I had imagined I would be a stepford mummy but I’m far from it.

I have eyebags that would cause China to use me to improve diplomatic ties with other countries.

I wear torn clothes.

I have late dinners.

I scream when the little boy runs.

I shout when he pull things like drawers.

I go hysterical when he hurts himself.

I get exasperated when he refuses to sleep.

It’s like you go through all human emotions. It’s raw.

Daily I beat myself up mentally and emotionally for not being a better mother.

But I guess, that’s what ALL mothers feel.

But when you see the little one smile, even if it’s 6am in the morning and you are really sleepy and he really should be sleeping, you can’t help but smile.

The kind of smile that starts from your heart and makes you feel just so happy even if you are really sleepy and fighting off a headache.

I never knew I’d have this smile.

I never knew I’d have a little one who would cling to me and get angry with me when I go work or come home late from work.

The husband and me attempted to go on short dates (read : 30mins dinner without Saeed) but really, all we talk about is him. All we want to do is go home and embrace him.

It’s almost impossible to even have movie nights at home because the little one would get sleepy etc and he co-sleeps so he will not go to bed if we’re not beside him.

Normally once he gets sleepy, I’ll be sleepy too. It can be 9.30pm or 10pm or 11+pm.

We used to play/sing lullabies for him but sometimes, we end up falling asleep first. BAHAHA. The little boy would still be wriggling in our arms. Sometimes I find myself singing rubbish. BAHAHA.


Anyway, being a mother means you have to give yourself up. Yup.. sometimes I look at myself and I don’t know me anymore.

Whatever happened to the old me?

Motherhood happened I guess.

You are no longer on your own.

You belong to someone.

Someone is depending on you.

Someone is watching you.

I don’t mean it’s a bad thing. Maybe it’s really time to start being an adult. Teehee.

Ok fine. Fine. I just want to curl up in bed and cry now ok. I think it’s my hormones.

I just want to tear my hair up.

I want to scream at the top of my voice.

I want to laugh and laugh and laugh.

I want to shop and shop.

Ok.. I think I’m going a bit crazy here.

Thank you Norethistherone. Thank you.


Actually.. we’re (let me cry a bit here cos it didn’t feel like we cos my husband is totally nonchalant and uninterested) going for another IVF. I’ve started with NorE.

We’re doing the short protocol with perhaps Gonal-F (previously it was a long protocol with Puregon) and hopefully we’ll yield more good quality eggs and embryos.

I’m all psyched.

I want to do this. Even if it means I’ll be my own cheerleader.

This time, we’re with NUH though.

Ok you know what.. I don’t feel like writing now.. must be the hormones…

Saeed is almost 10 months..

It’s been ages.

I’ve been meaning to blog but have been trapped in the vicious cycle of work + making up lost time with baby + sleeping as much as I can. I never should have laughed when my boss gave me an advice when I was pregnant – Sleep as much as you can. He ended it with a laugh and I thought it was a joke. Now I share this same advice to people! Bahaha.

So when I was pregnant, I had this image of me being a near-perfect mummy. I’m sorry to disappoint people who have never been mummies – but there’s no perfect mummies EVER. You make do with what you have and to the best of your ability. There are many things that I thought I wouldn’t do but I did. There are many things I thought I would do but I didn’t. Moral of the story? Don’t compare yourself to any other mummies. PLUS – don’t read/listen to crap. People have opinions and let them have theirs. Meanwhile, you do whatever YOU think is best for YOUR child. Ahuh ahuh.. You and Your child. That’s all that matters. Don’t sink into depression because of what people say. This is coming from a mummy who had to battle Postnatal depression.

Recently there was this post from a mummy who was talking about how she almost starved her baby. It’s amazing how days after that, FB was filled with many posts from pro-breast feeding and defensive formula-feeding mummies. Seriously! I think it was sad. We are all women. We all have gone through ups and downs so just let it be! I had stopped breastfeeding because I had to choose between being a mummy or going deeper into depression. I beat myself up for months because I was filled with guilt. It was self-destructive. So really, don’t ever go there. Do what is best for YOU and YOUR CHILD.

So how has mummyhood been?
Plenty of happy moments. Lack of sleep. Guilt. Giggles.Ā A myriad of emotions every single day.
But I wouldn’t trade it for any other thing.

Saeed is going to be 10 months soon and he is a very active boy. :-p

He has started on solids, had his first 2 teeth, start to toddle without support and is still putting everything in his mouth. I’m trying to be the disciplinarian because the Papa cannot scold his son *faints* and every time I said No and make a fierce face, Saeed will have a look on his face. His eyes will scan my face (and they are practically screaming – Do you still love me mummy?) and I will almost falter each time and sometimes I’m crying in pain inside but I will have to continue making my stern face. But I always end with Mummy have to scold you but Mummy loves you. Sometimes I almost make threats but I promised to myself that threats are a big no no (let’s see how long this will last though).

Feeding Saeed solids have been exciting. It’s so nice to see him eat but now as he grows bigger, he’s getting fussier. The parents have been asking me to start him on porridge so I spent a couple of hours one Saturday making salmon porridge for him but all I got in return were amusing (but frustrating at the same time) gagging motions from Saeed. He abhors it. Yes ABHORS. I don’t know why. It’s mind boggling because it doesn’t have a funny taste or anything. In the end I gave up and ate the porridge with kicap cili padi. TSK. The next Monday the helper tried doing the same thing and got the exact same reaction. FAINTS FAINTS FAINTS. But if I give him ice cream (don’t judge me.. I used to say no to this for my baby too but the look of pure ecstasy on his face just makes me melt faster than a stick of solero under the hot sun but yes.. of course IN MODERATION is the key word here) he will eat without gagging. TSK TSK.

I missed his first steps which were witnessed by my mum and helper but they managed to record a bit of it for me. Now he can toddle around but there’s always an accompanied background sound – of mummy screaming while half closing the eyes. Yup.. I’m the screamer I promised never to be! But honestly, I am already restraining myself from many many more screams. I’m trying to bring him out as often as we can. The other day, we brought him to Jacob Ballas and the makcik in me almost didn’t let him play at the fountain. The thought of germs, catching a cold from the cold water+ wind and insects almost stopped him from having fun. But I allowed him to just do what he wanted and the look of glee on his face told me IĀ  made the right decision. Yup, I let him play.. in his diapers.. when there are other kids around. Come germophobic mums, let’s gasp together.

So yes, I really had to learn to loosen myself up. I even let him sit on a *gasp* baby chair at Tony Romas the other day. Yes, after using only about 4 wet wipes to clean it. Pat myself on the back. I’m a scaredy cat – I’m scared of insects and even harmless cats, pigeons etc.. but I’ve learnt to control my fear when Saeed is around as I want him to be pretty much fearless. I don’t allow the helpers to use threats at all. It’s not easy because you really have to watch what you say but I guess this is what parenting is all about. I think it will only get worst – imagine potty-training and when he needs to go to *gasp* go to public toilets. *faints* So yes, I’m going with the flow and trying to have less rules etc. I want my son to be a fearless, rugged boy so I have to let it go and let him go.

Can you believe Saeed is going to be 1 yr old in a couple of months? That’s too fast right. Sigh. Where did all that time go? I’m really trying desperately to spend as much time as a guilty working mummy can spend with the baby. It’s really an internal struggle to go to work and leave him in the care of others. I feel so guilty but at the same time I know I want to give him a better life too. There’s another battlefield here – the SAHM vs Working mum. It will never end.. but really ladies, we’re all sacrificing something for our little ones so let’s not judge each other.

Anyway, for his first birthday, we’ve decided to just make a small party and then go on a short vacation with our family and him. He won’t remember a birthday party and will prolly have more fun at the (very almost) seafront villa we’ve booked! (Mummy and Papa will have more fun too.. BAHAHA) I’m quite scared about taking the plane with him though. It’s gonna be less than a 2 hour flight but my little boy is super active so it’s not going to be easy. *sweats* But oh well, if you happen to be on the same flight, try not to kill me ok.Ā  But ooh, if you have some tips on how to survive a flight with a very active baby, please share with this desperate mummy!







Saeed is 5 mths old tomorrow!

After 16 weeks of maternity leave and 1 week of annual leave, I finally got back to work.
2 nights before that, I couldn’t sleep but spent the night crying because I know things will change. I was worried Saeed will find it hard to adapt etc.
But it turned out that my worries were unfounded.
Saeed was fine. Apparently he was a cheerful baby, always laughing and smiling at his grandparents.
Oh wait… not yet… it’s not all rosy… He is cheerful and nice to them… BUTTTT.. not to MEEEEEEEEEEE.
Ahuh ahuh.. Yes.. the anger was directed at me.
Heart pain can!
I know Saeed knows how to get angry – there was once when his Papa came back from work, glanced at him and said hi and then worked on the laptop. He was angry with his Papa so refused to look at him for a couple of minutes when he carried him.
And yes.. he did the same thing to me.. every day!
I was on half day for a few days and he did that too.
I’ll look at him and he’ll look away. If he turns to the right and I put my face in front of him, he’ll turn to the left and when I moved mine to the left, he’ll move his to the right. Yes, it’s like catching. He refuses to look at me. I will carry him and he will still do the same thing. After several minutes, he’ll look at me and smile.
He’s angry. I do tell him daily that mummy is going to work etc and I will kiss him and he will smile but he’s still angry when he sees me.
Last Friday was the worst! He refused to look at me for more than half an hour. I almost cried at my in-laws place. When I carried him, he beat my face. šŸ˜¦ It’s so heartbreaking.
I honestly don’t know what to do about that.
On some days, after I got ready for work, we’ll wake up. He prolly thought we’re going out together. In the car, he’ll look at me as if I’m the prettiest person on earth and kept smiling at me while touching my face. I kept telling him Mummy is going to work. Mummy and Papa loves you. But yes, when we fetched him, he was still angry. Some days, he’s angry with his Papa too. Maybe he thought we go jalan jalan without him.
At first my parents thought I was exaggerating. Afterall, Saeed is only 4 months. But they saw it with their own eyes and finally believed me!
Sometimes he got angry with me when we’re walking to the carpark! Yessssssssss.. before we even drop him off! How like that?
But oh well.. I gotta do what I gotta do. Luckily I have a lot of AL left this year so I take one week off each month to spend time with him. Hopefully he will understand and appreciate that.

Can I say that time flies?
He’s going to be 5 months tomorrow!
5 months!
He knows how to say mehmeh (which means mummy) and sometimes he’ll say mama (I’m quite sure he’s not ordering prata or teh tarik so maybe he’s referring to me too).
He rolled on his tummy though not many times so far. We are trying to make it more feasible for him by putting a Parklon mat and letting him play on it.
If you hold his hand, he can pull himself to sit and stand.
Plus he can stand/sit on his walker!
My boy is a big boy nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Noooooooooooooooooooo.. Nooooooooooooooo.. that’s fast right?
Saeed is rather impatient and determined so I won’t be shock if he starts walking before he hits 11months.
We really have to start babyproofing the entire house! I can see that he’s observing everything and trying to grab a lot of things.
I can imagine him ransacking everything!
On my side, I’m embracing motherhood (yes I’m looking more human and my age these days!) as it is. It’s not easy to be a full-time working mum + terrible complications that Allah knows I had to go through. But I’m determined to not let anything stop me from enjoying motherhood and bringing my son up with as much love as possible.
I’ve really fallen in love with babywearing. First we got a boba that took time for Saeed to love and now we have a lennylamb (which is so pretty that I couldn’t sleep one of the nights last week cos I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it!) which is so soft!
Instead of staying at home, I decided to babywear him and go out whenever I’m on leave. So far, our adventures have taken us to the SEA Aquarium and Orchard (a couple of times). I hope to have more of such opportunities. It’s lovely walking with him so close to me. ā¤

We’ve decided that we want another baby at least so I’m going to start ‘shopping’ for an IVF dr at a public hospital. I wish I can go to Dr Sheila Loh again but the $ is a bit too much! :p
I’m not sure how we’ll cope with another baby but I’m sure Allah will help us. I want Saeed to have a sibling! We’re taking another helper so one can do housework while one look after Saeed.

The wanderlust in me is so trying to escape now. I miss our holidays and almost followed the husband to Dubai on SUnday but decided that I should let Saeed be a bit bigger before bringing him overseas. I’m more concerned about being cooped up in the plane with people coughing/sneezing etc than anything else. I’m planning for a trip next year though. We’re going to celebrate Saeed’s birthday overseas inshaAllah. Still trying to find suitable destination although I’m so wishing we can go Morocco again. But yes, it’s too far! Oh well.. we have plenty of time to think before he hits 365 days!

I so want to blog more but I’m mad busy but I hope to be able to blog more regularly soon. šŸ™‚


My son actually loves my voice..

Oh yes.. what a title!

Anyway, life as a mummy is like this….

Your baby is quietly sleeping in the cot.
You look at him and smile and continue to watch the movie you are watching.
Then you have a nice slow shower followed by a nice slow dinner.
After that you watch a movie or read a book.
Oh what bliss.
You look into the mirror and smile at your reflection – thick hair thanks to the pregnancy, flawless skin, hair neatly in place and you looking like a stepford mummy.
Then your baby wakes up and you lift him up and he gurgle happily and play with you happily before he sleeps again.
Oh this is what maternity leave feels like…


This isn’t a movie. Even movies are not this unrealistic anymore. If Hollywood were to make a movie about life after a baby then it’d be under the horror/thriller/romance genre. 

I had expected that actually.
If I’m lucky I get at least one of that.
But most times, that doesn’t happen. Unless you have a doll instead of a child. But if your doll can gurgle.. then please ask if it’s name is Chucky or Anabelle and no I didn’t say hi. 
My little precious sleeps about 30mins max during the day.
And if I do get to watch a movie, if I pause it, I may 1)not get to continue to watch it 2) forget I was watching a movie 3) don’t bother to continue watching it. AND I am so not exaggerating. I’m too tired to watch movies and my memory is like Dory so I sometimes forget what I’m doing.
And the reflection? My hair loss is scary. My skin is back to being invasion-worthy. My hair, no matter how much I comb it, always look like I have no mirror and comb.
ANDDD.. I always have vomit or food crumbs/spilt things on me. The food crumbs/spilt stuff are not from my little precious but it’s because sometimes I have to gobble things up because he wants me. Sometimes there’s batter too cos I tried to cook more now.
When I carry Saeed, he always wriggle because he thinks he can walk by himself.
A nice slow shower? Even when the husband is home, whenever I turn the tap on, I can hear Saeed’s scream. And most times, it’s just my imagination. *faints*
So yes, it’s not all bliss.
But you know what? I wouldn’t want my old life back. At all.
It’s so wonderful.
Motherhood is tiring and draining but awesome.
I love being a mother.
I love my son.
I love Saeed’s antics.
It comes with a heavy price but it’s WORTH IT.

Last time, I used to say to the husband that most married couples look their age or older and the other day we were talking about this and both of us laughed when we realized it’s because parents lack sleep! :-p The eyebags… don’t think any thing in Sephora can help with that. Beauty routine? Errrr.. wait does that mean washing the face? Cos sometimes, at night, I’m even too tired to wash my face… and no need to say about slapping on my creams. Sometimes, I even have shampoo in my hair. Ahuh. I think if you put me in a tub right now.. ok.. please don’t… I don’t want to know what colour the water will turn into. I’m the sort of person who will scare the postman if I open the door. :-p

Basically, my life has turned upside down.. but you know what? I love it when my life is like this! There’s nothing that can beat the happiness I feel when Saeed smiles or laughs. When he cries in pain? It feels worst than having contractions.
Saeed has grown SO FAST. SO SO SO FAST. Tooo fast.
He has turned sideways and his feet can almost reach his mouth. They say when a baby suck the toes, it means he’s getting a sibling so I told Saeed to suck the toes of both his feet. :-p
He knows how to get our attention nowadays and he’s very cheerful. ā¤ Every morning, he greeted me with his heart-melting smile that totally makes my day.
He knows when we’re going out. I think it’s easy cos he’ll see me put my shawl on.. so yes, that means we’re going out.
He’s still saying ‘drink’ when he wants to drink. The other day, we let him swim at my parent’s place in JB. We bought an inflatable pool from the last baby fair. We put the neck float on and this little boy loves to swim lah! He didn’t even allow his Papa to hold and help him. BAHAHA. That night, he kept saying ‘drink drink’ and we tried giving him milk and pacifier but he refused and kept saying ‘drink’. The next day, I showed him videos of him swimming and he smiled and said ‘drink’. AHHHH.. yes.. he associated swimming with drinking. :-p When we bathed him, he said ‘drink’ and tried to swim in the small tub. Bahaha. So cute lah you Saeed. ā¤

I have started babywearing Saeed and I love love love it. We bought the Boba 4G and he seems to be very comfy in it as he sleeps most of the time when I’m babywearing him. Gooddddd but cos I’m quite vertically challenged, I can’t babywear and sit at the same time. Grrr. So when we go and eat, I have a bit of a problem. Actually at first he didn’t like it and then we discovered we weren’t doing it right. Yes, such noobs lah we all.

Anyway, Saeed turned 4 months and I’m proud to say that I know him much better now. Yes, I can sort of guess what he wants and if I don’t know then I’ll repeat the steps. Sometimes it’s just him wanting to sleep. Yes… so much drama for sleep. Hellll, I’d do a lot of things to have that sleep, young man. I’m getting the hang of things and no, I’m certainly not a perfect mummy. There are days when I put his pampers like how he would if he had put it on himself.  There are days when I put his used clothes in the dustbin instead of the laundry basket. There are days when I want to use the pacifier cover to cover the milk bottle (it’s amazing what lack of sleep can do to one’s brain). There are good days and bad days. There are nooby days and days when I say ‘OMG I’m such an awesome mummy’ to myself. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of patience and humour. Sometimes you just have to laugh things off.  But for the millionth time… it’s worth it worth it worth it. Especially when he smiles at me. I think there’s a special smile only for me. A special laugh only for me. He loves it when I sing him lullabies and some parts will make him giggle. ā¤ Mummy may have the world’s worst singing voice and may be severely tonedeaf that most people find it painful to hear me sing… but Saeed… he loves it. So yes, that’s one reward there – someone who appreciates me singing. There was once when the husband told me to stop singing cos it’s 3am in the morning. I was quite sure he wouldn’t ask me to stop if I sounded like.. erm noooo.. not Rihanna. I sound better than Rihanna, thank you. Hrmph.. ok like Adele. Yeah, if my voice is like Adele’s he’d prolly just keep quiet. TSK. But oh well, as long as Saeed loves it (for now that is.. once he learns that there are better voices then I’m doomed). I didn’t want to sing to him at first but ended up singing songs that my father used to sing to us when we were babies. So far only me and my father sang the songs to Saeed and he gets like confused when my father does it. BAHAHA.

By the way, 4months have passed and so I have started work. I think that deserves a different post. This post is too long already. Here’s some pics of him.