My battle with anxiety..

I started this blog to blog about a lot of things but ended up talking a lot about infertility and IVF.

The last failed IVF hit me pretty bad. I couldn’t really cry but I felt broken. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions then. So I kept it in. I thought I was being strong. But end up…. it all gave way last year.

It started when I felt something in my eye suddenly before bed time. I tried to rub my eyes but got a corneal stain instead. I slept that night with Iqbal holding my hands because I was so scared. When I went to the eye specialist, he told me it’s conjunctivital concretion and he took that out. It’s basically a calcium deposit. That was when IT started. My battle with anxiety. I discovered I had more of such concretions and it drove me crazy. The eye specialist said there is no need to take them out. But I broke. That night, I broke into pieces.

A few days later, I was sitting at the dining table, just starting to eat dinner when I looked at the husband and then walked to the bathroom. I tried blowing my nose. I tried washing nose. I returned to the table and couldn’t continue eating. ‘I can’t breathe’ That’s what I told my husband. ‘But you are breathing. Or else you would be dead.’ I wanted to scream. ‘No I can’t breathe. I don’t know why.’ Then I had this sudden feeling in my tummy. Like somebody suckered-punch me and took away all my guts. I felt the gastric juices and my legs felt week. That was my second anxiety attack. I had one years ago when I had flu and that ended up with my parents rushing me to the hospital and the Dr saying there’s nothing wrong with me. Nobody said it was an anxiety attack but I am sure it was my very first anxiety attack. It happened once then and never again until last year.

It was so scary. I kept crying after the breathing episode. I couldn’t be left alone because I got scared. I thought I was going to die. Oh this is overwhelming… I’ll continue in another post.

It was a failure..

But I’m not a failure.

I knew somehow that it wasn’t successful and I was right. Saeed still thought there’s a baby in my tummy though but I apologized to him and said it didn’t work. I don’t know if he understands cos he’s only 3. But I hope if one day he reads this blog, he will know that I really did try my best. Argh you see, I didn’t really cry after the negative result but even though it’s been a while, somehow I have tears in my eyes while writing this.

One thing that really helped me is the fact that I’ve tried my best. I really did. It is HIS will and I’ll take it in my stride. In fact, I’ve taken it in my stride. Sometimes it hurts and it really isn’t easy to be surrounded by many people pregnant with their no 2 but I look at Saeed and thank Allah for him. The husband actually joked that I wish for 100 children and I got about 100 children in Saeed. BAHAHAHA. I have to agree. *teary laugh* I had an epiphany the other day while we were on our way to fetch Saeed. When it hit me, I almost burst into tears. I have a lot to thank Saeed for. Mostly is for making me a mother. Allah knows how hard endo and adeno hits me. It could have been me having all that pain for nothing but Saeed was an occupant in the very messy womb I have. You know how that makes me love him much much much more? Truly I’m honoured to be your mother, Saeed. You really are special and you should always know that.

The husband said maybe we can try again next year. If I do, then I’ll prolly do it in JB. But I don’t know if I will. I want a second child but I also know I’m 40 next year. Plus honestly, I’m tired. This whole journey is exhausting. I need to stop. I need to enjoy the present. In fact, we’ve planned a year end holiday finally! We were contemplating to go somewhere a bit further but then decided not to think too much and just book the holiday. BAHAHA. Let’s brave through it. Like how we brave through everything. ❤ The husband told me the other day that he remembered how I cried before we had Saeed and told him that I’ll never have a baby. But I did. But we did.

2 more days..

Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. – John Lennon

We had our scan on Saturday and the lining has improved (though it’s not what I want) so my Dr has given us the go ahead to do a transfer on 11/09/2019 which is in 2 days. That is one obstacle down but now we have to wait for the phonecall tomorrow. There are 3 scary phonecalls when IVF is concern – 1) The call from the embryologist to advise how many eggs are fertlized. 2) The call from the embryologist to advise if the embryo has survived the thawing process. 3) The call from the clinic to advise on the result of the blood test. The phone call I’m waiting for tomorrow is the one from the embryologist to advise me on whether the embryo has survived the thawing process. I feel like I have to hold my breath till tomorrow. I’m so so nervous. 😦

I had another breakdown last week when I couldn’t stop sobbing to Him. I begged and begged him. It’s like I can’t breathe because I’m so tired from all of this and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really scared if the embryo didn’t make it. 😦 But I have to leave it in His hands.

I went for my intralipid on Saturday. I was nervous but it turned out that it was nothing to be nervous about. Thankfully, they needed to poke me just once. The arm felt numb but massaging helps. I was happily watching my kdrama while the infusion was dripping slowly into me!

Sigh. I really do not know what to do it the embryo doesn’t thaw successfully tomorrow. 😦 I’ve done so much this cycle.

8 days away..

And sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we still hope. – Anonymous

We’re about 8 days away from the transfer date. There’s a small, tiny part of me still hoping for success but the the bigger part is so uncertain of how I should feel. Yes, I’m nervous. But maybe I’m too afraid to feel/hope/think too much. This could probably be my very last chance to try for another child. The words of my Dr when I failed to get any embryos at my last IVF kept haunting me – ‘There’s no point trying anymore’. It’s certainly not the time to have negative thoughts but maybe, just maybe, after this embryo transfer, I’ll stop this TTC journey once and for all. Maybe it’s time for me to live and accept that I may only have one child. 😦

Ok, ok enough of the negativity and tears. This time round, I have done more than the previous cycle which I failed.

  • I’ve been going weekly for accupuncture at Thomson Chinese medicine. Initially I took the TCM medication as well (which was bitter but they were so so good for the body) but stopped when I started taking mercilon.
  • I’ve been taking folic acid and prenatals.
  • I’ve been going for the womb therapy weekly at Highlander Aesthetica.
  • I’ve stopped cold water
  • I’ve stopped caffeine (a couple of weeks)
  • I’ve started taking chicken essence
  • I will start taking red dragonfruit, golden kiwi and fig daily
  • Avocadoes every alternate day
  • I was supposed to exercise but have been cramping for the past month.

So let’s hope all these have made a difference to my insides.

Now I’m supposed to relax and ensure my lining is becoming thicker. I need to up my protein and greens intake. I’ve been lazy with reserve and chlorophyll but I really should start taking them asap. You know, there’s a part of you that wants to try as hard as possible but there’s another part that’s afraid that you try so hard and yet you still fail. ‘Take a chill pill,’ says the husband. Easier said than done. With all the hormones inside me, it’s hard to be level headed. I feel like I can explode anytime with the myriad of emotions inside me. It’s like you are feeling 1000 emotions but you cannot let them out.

I can only ask for His mercy.

Last day for Mercilon..

Today is the last day for Mercilon! Woohoo. Mercilon has been giving me a strange pain in my tummy. Feels like pressure but it’s really painful. I succumbed on some days and take painkiller while I just barely survive the others.

Now I’m waiting for my period to come before starting on Progynova. I don’t know if it will be a monster period because I have yet to go for accupuncture since my last period. Do you know that accupuncture actually alleviates the pain by at least 50%? I’ve stopped taking the tcm medication too since Dr doesn’t want me to take both western and tcm medicine together.

The past few weeks have been hellish with a bit of bliss in between. We started with Saeed having some virus which caused a fever that lasted more than a week. We had multiple visits to the PD and he had a rash that indicated it may be Roseola. But fever was supposed to disappear after the rash and it didn’t. So we got really worried. But alhamdulillah, he got better, finally. It’s hard to deal with a child who has fever especially when he refused to be sponged. So we had to leave Ibuprofen + Progesic + Oiling to do the job. When he finally fall asleep, we will try to put fever kool. We set our alarms hourly so we could check on him. Some nights his top will be soaked with sweat and we had to change him.

After he got better, we finally get to go to my parents’ JB home. 4 days of bliss. We left SG right after my 530am shift and reached JB before 4pm! No jam! Saeed enjoyed himself a lot. We spent early afternoon shopping and eating and evenings at the garden. Saeed would play soccer or blow bubbles and the rest of us would have a picnic there. Perfect. Windy evenings + peace = Bliss. He cried and threw a tantrum when we said we’re going home. I knew he’d love it there. But inshaAllah we’re going there next month!

The day after we came back, another nightmare started. Saeed vomitted and had diarrhoea and off we go to A&E and he even had to get a jab. The vomitting stopped but the diarrhoea took a long time to go. We had to visit another PD. In total he vomitted 9 times and pooped more than 20 times. Really heartbreaking. Just as he was recovering, the husband and I was hit with the worst food poisoning we’ve had. We must have vomitted more than 20 times in 30minutes and it’s a miracle we got to the hospital. I remembered waiting for the husband to appear with the car but he didn’t. I knew something must have happened but I did not have the strength to find him. Finally he appeared and he told me that he was puking under the block. Luckily we were given 2 jabs each to stop the vomitting and pain. We had some relief for a few hours before the vomitting started again. We ended up with another injection and the husband even had to get a drip. We both were dehydrated and down with fever. Felt really helpless especially when Saeed woke up in the morning still with his tummy pain. We were lucky though cos our family roped in to help us! ❤ Really appreciated that.

So yes, after all these, I feel super low. I don’t know if I’m in a good condition to do the embryo transfer. This could possibly be my last chance. 😦 But oh well, I can’t delay it any longer also.



One hurdle gone..

Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can.

One thing I keep forgetting to do while lifting weights is to still breathe. I’d hold my breath and holding the breath actually makes it harder. This is something I must learn in life too. Sometimes I let something occupy me too much that I forgot to LIVE. It’s hard though to do that but I shall try.

Yesterday I spent 5 hours at the hospital. You cannot imagine how tiring that was. Most of that time was spent waiting. TSK. I went for the scan yesterday and Alhamdulillah, my cyst shrank even though my adenomyosis grew a bit bigger. So yes, that’s one hurdle gone! WOOHOO. The next biggest hurdle is whether the embryo will thaw successfully. This one has been bothering me but the husband was saying that we should expect it. It can thaw successfully but it can also not thaw successfully. Yeah, sounds so easy but it would be a total nightmare if it doesn’t after all the prep I’ve done. That’s the thing about IVF. Effort is not = Result. It’s hard to swallow this fact.

Yesterday we went to see another Dr about the intralipid and he’s hilarious! I think I should consider going to him for my next IVF!

I was exhausted after everything but Saeed’s antics really cheered me up. He really knows when I’m down. I am super sure he’s an INFJ (one of the 16 personalities per Myer Briggs) like me! I always absorb the emotions of those around me and sometimes it really affects me. I’ve always wondered why I’m so strange and discovering that I’m an INFJ really shed some light for me! I so understand myself now. Google 16 Personalities and take the test! It’s really amazing how accurate it is.

Yesterday we went to register for Saeed’s nursery also. We actually got a slot at a school I wanted to put Saeed in before he was even conceived! I was very excited but they told us there may not be any transport. We paid the deposit but decided to visit another school which is a 5 mins walk from our place. We both then decided that it’s a better one so we decided we will send him to this school instead. Saeed though said something. BAHAHA.

Saeed : I don’t want to go this school lah.

Me : Huh? Why

Saeed : The people never smile at me.

I was about to tell him that not everybody will smile at you when the Principal said, ever so gently – Maybe you should smile at them and they will smile? They are shy too.

That totally sealed the deal. She really won me over with how she carried herself and the school was really spacious and the curriculum looks solid. We thought we may want to start asap but unfortunately they only have the afternoon slot so it will be next year then.


In full force..

When the world says ‘Give up’, Hope whispers ‘Try one more time’.

Now that I’ve started the ball rolling, I have to keep rolling it! Where got people do pineapple tart without the pineapple right?

Prep for my FET is in full force now!

I’ve went for my first accupuncture session and will be going weekly till my FET. It was ok although I didn’t dare fall asleep! I’ve visions of me falling asleep, turning around and getting the needles buried INTO my body. That shouldn’t be too much of a problem for someone who has managed to fall on a giant cactus and had thorns all over her body BUT I don’t want to relive that experience.  Yes, that happened when I was four or something. I was playing catching at my grandmother’s place and I fell on her cactus. I remembered vaguely that they had called the family Dr and he extracted the thorns from my body.  Betul punya monyet lah me! Anyway, the TCM physician prescribed some medication –  powder (I discover that one can gag and swallow simultaneously!) and small round balls that look deceivingly like chocolate balls. Saeed would never touch chocolate again if I had him taste the balls. BAHAHA. Maybe I should put the powder on his pacifier to wean him off it. BAHAHAHA. Confirm he will never touch another pacifier EVER.

I have also kiasu-ly booked the accupuncture and womb therapy appointments all the way till September. KIASU RIGHT! But I must do this to ensure I use up my packages. I’ll be seeing my Dr for the scan next week and on that same day, I’m seeing another Dr to check the Natural Killer cells. I suspect that I have higher than normal NK cells. If that is right, then it can be solved via intralipid infusion to increase chances of implantation. Let’s see! I’m quite excited actually to find out if I can do this. I’ve been asking around and some said it’s not painful unless you have small veins. So let’s see!

The son has been telling me that he wants a boy and girl adik. I wanted to say it’s impossible but I know he thinks he can have 2 at one go because of his twin cousins. I wanted to tell him that mummy want to have 1 also very difficult so not sure where to squeeze 2 from? I pity him though cos he saw his classmates etc have sibings to play with and I know he would like one and will be a loving big brother. The meltdown I had the other day was because of this too. I am really so so scared that I will die and leave Saeed without a sibling. 😦 This so far has been my biggest motivation. There’s plenty of potential obstacles and I have to be really brave but I’vf (get it?) got this. I hope you know how much Mummy loves you, Saeed.



Re-starting the journey..

Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win
But you begin again
Even though you’re heart is breaking
In time, the sun will shine
And you’ll begin again – Barry Manilow

I’ve managed to meet up with my Dr to discuss about the frozen transfer. Will be doing a scan next week to make sure all is ok before we start a medicated cycle. I am actually VERY VERY nervous. It’s my  last embryo and there’s a lot of what ifs.

  1. What if the embryo doesn’t thaw successfully?
  2. What if my endo is so horrible that I should go for a surgery first?
  3. What if this is not the right time?

However, time is running out and I cannot procrastinate any further so I’ll face this head on. Emotionally and mentally, it has been hard for me. To be honest, the emotional wound from the failed IVF cycle has not healed. I had a total meltdown a couple of days ago which left me crying at my desk.

This cycle I’m trying something different.

  1. I’ve been going to the gym to lose weight + I’ve been trying to eat healthily.
  2. Will start my fast from caffeine and cold water again.
  3. I go for womb therapy where there’s a herbal foot soak, tummy massage, back massage + infra red treatment for the tummy.
  4. I’m going to go for accupuncture.
  5. I’m consulting a Dr to check my NK cells (natural killer cells) and if they are high, I’m going to ask for an intralipid infusion. This will increase chances of implantation for ppl with high NK cells.
  6. I’m restarting Reserve + Chlorophyll.
  7. I discovered I’m anaemic (suspect it’s been a while) and am taking iron tablets for it.

I’ll be like a headless chicken since I will need to go to Bedok, Alexandra, NUH, Thomson and Paragon for all the different things. But I have only ONE embryo and I got to do whatever I can. Hopefully with all these, I can finally get my BFP. It’s a daunting journey ahead of me and I pray that I have the strength.


Update on new year resolution!

Remember my new year resolution (for like 100 years)?

I dragged myself to Contours express thrice weekly (yes laugh at me if you think that’s too little) even when I just want to lie down in bed with Saeed, Ben and Jerry. I stopped the junk (please don’t include the Hari Raya period when I stuffed my face with fattening food, cookies and gassy drinks like a toddler I know). I pushed myself by lifting heavier and heavier weights and making myself increase the number of repetitions. It felt shiok actually. I knew I’ve always like to exercise but yeah, I also like to eat.. bahaha. But yes, I’ve actually lost 10kg since then! *CLAP CLAP* Of course I have many more kg to lose but this is a start and I’m motivated as hell now.

It wasn’t easy at first. Cutting down sugary stuff when I love cakes and most things sweet. I had to get used to eating a light dinner or lunch. Somehow I fell in love with the combination of Baked Chicken Breast + Sambal terasi wrapped in coral Lettuce. Oh so sedap. I cannot eat plain food so that works for me. After a while, I get used to all these! Even now, lunch will be soup or salad. Things that used to be fine to me are now too sweet. *phew*

The exercising part was not easy as well. I had 2 left legs and 2 left hands. There’s the floor exercises which they change from time to time and I really have a hard time adjusting after each change. My head would go ‘WHAT? How to do that? Left leg out and right hand out?’ More often than not, I’d do them wrongly. But who cares! Left leg out with right hand out + Right leg out with left hand out = Both hands + both legs worked out. Yes. Who cares if people think I got bad coordination! :-p The weight machines part was the awesomest. When I first started, I had difficulty even lifting the basic level one but as time goes by, I get a bit stronger and now I can lift heavier weights. NOT BAD HAZ! Put inside basket, carry own basket. :-p

I’m soooo happy that I’m finally doing something about this. I need to work harder though. Especially after all the heavy food I ate the past few weeks.

Did I mention that we’re trying to sell our house? It’s taking a while but I hope our hourse will really be sold soon. We had a very interested couple but they are pending for their house to be sold so let’s see where that goes. It’s going to be a mad rush after that trying to rent a place (I don’t want to pay ABSD) + searching for a new place. Not going to be easy but it’s something we have to do. Next year Saeed will start school so I hope we can get all this sorted out before that. At least we’ve had a rough idea of where we want to stay – STILL in the EAST of course!

I have called NUH and told them about me intending to do my FET in August and I’m already very nervous now. This could be my last chance as I only have this one embryo left in the freezer! 😦 It’s so worrying. My Dr did tell me there’s no point doing anymore fresh. If this fails, I think we will take a BIG risk and try a fresh cycle but with Virtus. I’ve heard many good reviews about them. The $$ is going to be painful but we will try this one last time. If we get no embryos, then I will truly give up.




Have I given up yet?


The answer is NO.

Yes, after 2 fresh IVF with one failed FET and one failed fresh IVF, I’m up again.

I’m going to give us another 2 chances.

I was a bit nervous about this but last month’s cramps was mad. I was sobbing in pain and could not even walk. When I reached the clinic, I sobbed again. I kept saying to the husband that I’m not strong enough for the pain. That I can’t do this anymore. Last 2 months, I was warded because of the pain as well. Doctors have all told me one thing – hysterectomy or those pills inducing temporary menopause.

But I’m not ready. I cannot have temporary menopause because I’m already 39. Time is running out.

As scary as it is to go through the whole disappointment with IVF etc, I have to make myself strong. People think I’m doing this for me. WRONG. I’m doing this for Saeed. I want him to have a sibling. What if both his father and I die? He’ll be alone. *cries*

So in July, we will try a frozen embryo transfer. Our last embryo since the last IVF cycle yield nothing. If this doesn’t work then I’ll try IVF fresh cycle one last time. Perhaps at SGH since we still have co-funding.

I need lots of prayers and strength.

I need lots of discipline.

But we can do this! For Saeed, I’ll take many more jabs.