I only got to see my son after 3 hours in the ward. I couldn’t believe I’m a mother. We stayed at the hospital till Monday because the little one had jaundice. On the 2nd day after my C-sect, I was already up and about in the hospital room! I even walked out to the nursery. We couldn’t decide on his name until the last day at the hospital when we registered his BC. It was either Saad or Bilal or Saeed. Funnily, on the 2nd day, we called him Saad all day. On the 3rd day, we called him Bilal. And on the 4th day, we registered him as Saeed. :p Fickle parents we are.

Unfortunately for me, the stay at the hospital left me unprepared for motherhood. The nurses did everything so we barely had any training.

On the Monday we were discharged, we went home peacefully but at 7pm, my son started crying. And he cried till 6am in the morning. By then, we didn’t have enough sleep and couldn’t think straight. Nothing would pacify him. As he cried, I cried. I couldn’t stop crying. At 6am, we went to Parkway East Hospital. They checked him and said he has wind. Then at 8plus am the PD came. She took one look at him and me and said she will observe him for one day for my sake because I need the rest. So we stayed at the ward. That was when I started sinking into depression. I started blaming myself for everything. I was ridden with guilt about the labour because I put him in distress and he must have been so desperately trying to come out that it must have traumatized him. I told myself that I was so selfish. I cried and cried and cried. When the husband slept, I looked at how tired he was and I cried again. I couldn’t stop crying. The nurses at PEH were very helpful. They taught us so many things. And when they see me crying, they took Saeed away and left me to rest. Baby Saeed was discharged the next day but I was still depressed.

I kept crying many times a day. I blamed myself for everything. I didn’t mind that I didn’t give birth naturally. I didn’t mind the C-sect. (in fact, people who see me, thought I didn’t look like someone who had a C-sect. Maybe it’s because I’ve had surgeries before too.) I didn’t mind if they cut me up anywhere also as long as my son was safe. But I minded that I’ve been coaxing him to come out when he couldn’t. I minded that I put him through many hours of suffering. I blamed myself when I saw him getting startled in his sleep. I thought he hated me because I couldn’t seem to pacify him when he cried. I felt like such an incompetent mother. It didn’t help that I only had 2 or 3 hours of sleep per day. I even disregarded my own health. By the 5th day, I was off painkillers and I was walking like someone who didn’t have surgery. I didn’t care about myself AT ALL. I rushed out of bed when he cried. I just didn’t take care of myself. I also missed being pregnant. I missed my son in my tummy.. his kicks and movements. I miss that so terribly. My husband was such a gem, he was always in action. He even told me to sleep while he handled my son. That though, made me beat myself up even more. I felt myself sinking into depression but I just let myself sink deeper.

My family noticed that and they sat me down. I broke down and told them I blamed myself for everything.. that my son has trauma because of me. They talked to me and Alhamdulillah, I haven’t cried for a few days now! 🙂 I have to accept that it was Allah’s plan and that my son is healthy and fine and that’s all that matters now.

I had thought that I’d be so happy to have a child that I wouldn’t sink into depression. But I was wrong! I was happy to have him but because he was so precious, I was not happy with myself for not doing better. I was blaming myself for everything that didn’t go perfectly. However, I have to accept that this is a learning journey. Nobody is perfect. It’s a new phase of life for me and I have to embrace it and handle it with calmness. Beating myself up will not help at all. I hope all first time mothers will take note of this.

So now, slowly I’m learning to handle things and I try not to panic. It’s not easy but I have to constantly remind myself. I’m so blessed because I have strong support from my husband and our family! 🙂

Btw, I’ve bathed my son, wiped him and washed him when he pooped. Can I say that cleaning him after he pooped makes me feel more accomplished than anything else on my resume? 🙂

2 weeks have passed and I hope time will slow down. I want to savour every single moment with my little gem! He’s growing a bit too fast. Lol. Yes yes yes.. I know.. he’s only 2 weeks only.

And oh, another btw, today he smiled at me for the first time! 🙂 I was BF-ing him and playing with him and then he smiled. MELTS MELTS MELTS. Brace yourself people, you are gonna hate my mummy posts from now.. because they are going to be so filled with beaming mummy moments! :-p

P.s. I’ve already asked my Dr when I can start trying for no 2! Lol. Yes.. I can’t wait. In fact, I miss being pregnant! :-/